Wish so much for the cookie cutter life

The more I write the more I feel like I ask and beg the same things. But as a mom of a medically intensive kid it seems like it is all good, or all NOT! At this point, we are not! As most know this flu/cold season had been bad, very bad. Not just the fact that the flu shot didn't work but the amount of BAD bugs has been scary. Put that into my mind,or those in my shoes all over this world. I have a child that a cold is not just a cold. A cough is not just a cough, or even a runny nose. So all those mom's that freak out when they have a booger, I honestly wished I could only see a runny nose as a runny nose. Faith now has been fighting a cold for over a month. It gets better then back with another symptom. Well Saturday the cold turned it's ugly head, and quick. Cough started first, then nose, then by Monday into her lungs. Antibiotics were started after now two nights of not much sleep for either Faith or I. Then today comes, we slept better in between coughs, nap was ok but was just not herself. Then, now, wheezing, the scariest thing for her and this family. Faith didn't have normal lungs and for that matter normal immune system to help what is going on in her little body. So now this day before us that was supposed to be a check up is beginning to look way worse. That I can stomach more almost, not really but almost, but if she gets worse the trip that all of us have been dreaming of and needing so much won't happen. So mundane as I might sound I scream in my soul for prayers for her, on so many levels. For healing most, and that I wont have to disappoint the kids yet again because Faith is sick. To many times do the siblings of a terminally ill child get forgotten and I really hope they don't feel the disappointment soon again. So as a mom I past for rest for me that I can manage what I ahead of me but mostly rest and healing for Faith.

So I sit here mad hurt crying, mad hurt yelling, mad hurt and just plain MAD! I'm covered in vomit not even knowing how many times, in tears, in fear, and mad. My baby, innocent, lies in my arms in between fits of screaming and puking fighting a disease that is going to take her life. Yes! Her life! Why? What did I do? If I could have a talk with God right now I would have him take mine, right now to save her from this. Yes I'm so very happy I was a match to donate till her but daily, like now, I know it's just a bandaid. As I sit here I type, I catch my tears from falling on her and my soul screams, the point of crying where no tears fall anymore. This is not fair, and not ok. This child is such a light to so many, and I'm sorry but right now I'm broken. I don't get it, I don't see it, all i see is a innocent child screaming in pain asking to be helped and I can't. Broken just flat out broken. So right now I pray for God to give me strength that I can't get, strength that I don't want that I have to have, and strength to hold the tears for smiles I know I'll have. Amen...but crying still because my soul is flat out broken

Yet another surgery

Yesterday started way too early, especially when I couldn’t sleep at all. We got on the rode a little before 5am and headed to Seattle. Of course the traffic was horrible. I broke into tears twice on the way up to check her in. This surgery has been a really hard one to be ok with, which I don’t think you ever want them to have surgery. When we arrived Dans' mom was there and since we were the first case for Dr Murguerian and Healy we got back to the e pre op room quickly after checking in. Of course the normal run through of all the teams involved came in telling what they would be doing and the risk of their side of things, which is always so settling. This whole time it was pretty easy keeping Faith distracted and mind off of all the doctors coming in and out. But that all changed when I put on my scrubs to take her back to the OR. She cried the whole way and my throat at that point already had the lump in it trying to keep the tears down. Once I had to lay her on the table for them to put the gas mask on she started to scream “mommy please no, mommy all done”, with the look of complete fear in her eyes. It was at that point every fiber of my being fought to not break down and stay calm and sing her to sleep. Feeling her go lifeless in my arms made my soul break and I lost it. I held the tears back as well as I could while I walked back to the pre op room to Dan and that is when I don’t remember much but crying from depth of my toes. This surgery from the moment it was told she needed has not set well with me at all, but knew she needed it. I soon found out why I had that feeling. She was taken back to the OR at 7:40am and sat in the waiting room with Gus and Chris, and at 11:50 we got the page she was heading to recovery. That is when her surgeons came out telling how it went and how it went way quicker since she didn’t have as much scar tissue as they expected. They needed to place a stint in which will need to be removed in a few weeks and check if the surgery worked but other than that they said it went well. We sat for way longer than normal waiting to be paged to go to the room to see her. We finally got a page that one of us needed to go back to recovery with her, since they needed help. Dan let me go and I walked back to hear her crying. We tried everything to get her calmed down but the more she woke up, the more agitated she got, feeling the catheter, ivs and pain. With every person that came in the more upset she got. We discussed options of what we could do to help with her pain and anxiety. The thing is when you are in the hospital that much you know what’s going on plus she is very un fond of catheters which all combined was not helping her keep her oxygen up or stop crying. So morphine and valium was ordered for pain and anxiety and another med to help with bladder spasms. Finally with that and her epidural I was able to get her to calm down and relax so we could get to our hospital room. Once we were back in the room of course everyone comes and checks her and asks questions, so much so that she was not able to nap. Then the long night began. First being told that her creatinine a few weeks ago was not good, which I was never told and that would be checking in the morning and may have to do ultrasounds on her kidney again to check it. So that set the night off not at all on the right foot. Then vitals were supposed to be only every 4hours which should mean between those times she, and I are able to sleep, but that was NOT the case. The longest stretch we got was an hour and 20 minutes. About half way through the night too her catheter got plugged so they had to resituate it and upset her even more, along with a needle poke again to wake her up this morning. So to say the very very least this morning I am exhausted, upset they wouldn’t leave her alone and now waiting for some kind of word on what the plan is. Another fun time in the hospital

Strength When I'm Weary

Ok this is a moment of quiet, except the dog snoring beside me. I hit a place today, tonight, this week, that I haven’t hit in a while and was mentioned by some people that I am negative and don’t think positive. So for myself I started to type to get through my own tears. I have to agree somewhat at this moment just because of the blows I was hit with this weekend and the last few weeks that I am in a funk, but trying really hard to keep above water. I have to say feeling like garbage does not help, at ALL. I am happy with so many things every day and seconds throughout the day but those aren’t the moments people seem to see in me, and for that I am sorry. It is a little over three years ago I was sitting in conference rooms, first to tell me the condition of the baby in my womb, and then months of over and over repeats of that condition. This still goes on today, over and over. For me I think I try so very hard to smile whenever I can, but I fight to do so. For those who don’t understand it hurt and made my earth quake and change forever when all the doctors took us in that room after she was born to tell us the ‘reality’. That second conference feels like it was yesterday and still remember where each doctor, nurse and surgeon was sitting, the smell of the room and looks on each one of their faces. I sat there in peace and strength this time, while Dan cried beside me. The strength and peace that at this moment I lack, but the majority of the time have. I sat there listening to all the undoubtable facts of her condition, how selfish we may be being and what effect it will have on our kids, and with so much clarity I told them, ‘You know, and I know she probably won’t make it past this first surgery or even till then, but I will not be the one to tell my kids that may resent her, that she didn’t make it or live because I didn’t take the chance to let her try’. We gave her a chance to try and fight knowing I would not deal with it all well, or perfect, but I knew God was on my side to give me strength to keep fighting, like her, even if I’m not the best at doing it sometimes. Because at that moment and even today with all the tubes, therapy, medicine, shots, doctors, surgeries, three kids possibly resenting me until they see for themselves, I can. BUT I could never die knowing I didn’t give her a chance to try to live. The thing is since I can remember I have always wanted to be a mom. Every time we went somewhere I had a baby and animal toy with me no matter where I went. So from the moment Tristan was born those kids have been what I dreamt of having, and doing. In that though I didn’t dream of having to go through what I have had with any of them, especially Faith. So yes I break, and yes I can’t handle it sometimes, and I fall into a funk. But for some reason it is unwarranted? Yes I have her still, and yes she is the most hilarious, spit fire, happy baby( except when she isn’t well), a light to anyone who is contact with her, and is so loving, but I still have to daily worry, and mess with the reality of what I have been dealt with her condition. And I am sorry that once in a while my heart and soul can’t take it. Because my kids and family are my life, from the moment I can remember, and still are today. So I ask for thoughts and prayers for me, that I may be stronger when I’m weaker, healthier when I’m sicker, and more patient when all I want to do is be in a quiet room with only the sounds of someone snoring and the peace knowing my family, my loves are ok. Thank you for listening to my heart.

In search of easier days

Ok here is the answers to this weeks not so fun surgery and issues. Months ago Faith went in the hospital with a raise in her creatinine even after i bumped up her fluids. We were quickly admitted and told it was most likely rejection since she was running fevers and her labs were showing it to be that. Well to find out it was a very serious UTI that had got up into her kidney and caused some damage, but don't think I've ever been so happy to here of infection. A test was done and found out that her bladder was refluxing up into her kidney when she peed (not her ureter, or a muscle she is used to using). A procedure was then scheduled to try to fix it (one of three choices, and deflux surgery being the least invasive). Then about a month ago she started running dangerously high temps and stopped eating and drinking(not like her), and again a UTI along with some other virus. Luckily this one wasn't to her kidney so the procedure was quickly bumped up to this last Thursday. In the scheme of things it wasn't as major surgery as the rest of the many she has had but still risky, and sedation (which i hate). The plan was to put a material that kind of made a speed bump for the urine not to get up into the kidney, and to put a stint in until the deflux medicine settled since the chance of obstruction is quite high. Well with the angle they were unable to put a stint in and they tried everything they could to. So now we wait for labs in the coming days to show if the procedure worked. If not, full open surgery will have to be done, which they don't want to do on her because of all the scar tissue and other issues that go along with such an invasive surgery. So in other words I'm trying to stay positive and not think about it, but still know we are not totally in the clear. That brings us to current. I am laying with her in my bed now since she wouldn't let me put her down to nap, one thing not like her. Then she is still screaming everytime she barely pees, which they said would be like that for the first few times she peed but we are now two days out, so second not like her. And thirdly and most un nerving she is now running a temperature. I'm going to let her rest and see how she is when wakes and make the call to the doctors. So please pray as i am for her

1 year KidneyVersary

So I wrote this last week but had issues uploading it. So here it is I sit here in total disbelief that today marks one year since I gave my kidney and Faith started her life with the organ she so dearly needed. At this time I was in the surgery room and Dan and my family were waiting on word how I was doing and trying to keep Faith happy and occupied while they waited to take her back. I remember waking up in so much pain as they rushed to get it under control before they wheeled me to my room. I feel like it was just yesterday when my bed made the corner and I saw Dan and my family and Darbi. I burst into tears, which was the most excruciating pain. It didn’t take long for the pain to get under control and I became, to say the least, very loopy. I laughed, my family laughed, and for the brief moment I didn’t feel pain or worry about Faith. Dan had been in such a hard place all day running back and forth between hospitals checking on both of us, all the while trying to keep it together. Darbi that night stayed with me so Dan could go back to the Ronald McDonald house to try to rest. During the night I started hurting bad again and finally after a couple hours of bladder pain I woke Darbi since I couldn’t reach the nurse button. Come to find out my catheter had moved and wasn’t draining. After that was fixed I was able to sleep, but the morning brought nausea and pain. I got up and tried walking, which my left leg was not working very well at all. I couldn’t go very far without feeling weak and sick. And on top of that I had gained 15 pounds in water weight in 24 hours from the fluids and surgery. I worked my booty off to walk the halls so I could get out and be with Faith. And a day and a half later I was discharged to drive to see her (which every bump HURT), and be with Tristan for his birthday. She was still out of it and in allot of pain when she woke up. The next few weeks was a juggling act of trying to not over do it (which I always did) and trying to get Faith healed and figure out what was going on with her. She of course had to go in for another surgery since she was retaining so much fluid in her abdomen that it ripped the inside stitches and put a drain in to pull out fluid, which took a few weeks to get to a point that it was manageable to go home. So now here we are a year out, first time we have had almost 12 months at home since she was born. We still have daily meds, bi monthly lab draws and monthly doctors visits, but the child we have now is nothing like the one before transplant. She is walking, talking, eating, drinking the amount she needs to, and is just as strong willed as the moment she was born. We aren’t out of the woods and will never have a normal child’s life but the life we have been given by God so far has been a growing, stressful, and beautiful life changing one for many involved. Over the three years almost since we found out about Faiths condition I have watched to many kids with the same disease pass away, get sick, hospitalized numerous times, and even go into rejection not even a month after transplant. It’s a scary road some days where I come to the reality that we are never going to have a normal life with Faith. But every day when I see her smile, laugh, love on her animals, scream for ice cream, and come running to me I realize I would take every minute with the known chance we may be in the hospital again, for the fact we weren’t even supposed to see the smiles, the laughs, or what she would grow up to love. So for that I thank God every day, even on the hard ones (which are very hard sometimes) because she is such a joy to my life and everyone who sees her. So as I mark this year by spending most of it in the hospital today talking to doctors and tests, I am thankful for every minute I’ve had with her, my family that has been so supportive since the day we heard the awful news, our friends that have been there and given support and laughs when I needed them, God for giving me that gift of faith to believe and trust him and for Faith, and for my husband who has been through this journey every second with me. Has cried with me, laughed with me over so many goofy moments with her, held my hand when I was in pain from giving life to our daughter, and holding my head up when life got too much. So here is to the next year and blogging amazing moments that come our way through the days and months to come.

Beena a LONG LONG time since I was able to sit and write but this is a REASON!! Back to two years ago, again can’t believe it has been two years. I was sitting saying goodbye to Tristan and Savanna at Mel’s house not really knowing how long they would be there, but again with what we were told I didn’t see it being to long. The thing is I was supposed to be induced, but true to Faith I just went into labor on my own that next morning. It was like she was listening and knew it was time to start fighting, and fight she did. Almost one whole year went by since she had to seen the inside of a hospital room again, 3 days to be exact, but that soon drastically changed again. She had got her transfer set changed on her PD catheter replaced 4 days earlier(which I really believe what happened) she got sick, and sick quick . We checked into Children’s on May 25th not knowing what we were going to deal with but hoping all the same that it was just something meds would fix. That would soon change when the two doctors walked in the room to tell us that on top of peritonitis she had a fungal infection which would require her to get her catheter removed because her peritoneum would may now be too scared to use for dialysis and so she would have to be put on Hemo until the infection cleared. The whole time the doctors were talking to us I held it together pretty good until they asked if I had questions, and at that point all I could think of was transplant. She had JUST been referred so I knew it wasn't a push asking if that could be an option instead of doing Hemo dialysis till the next surgery to put the PD catheter which may not even work. They said they would ask, and that is when we PUSHED. On August 23rd, a day before Tristan’s 9thbirthday me and her went into surgery to exchange my kidney to my baby girl. I was able to save my baby girl. I got flack from some people saying how I could take that risk when I had other children to live for. That was sickening to me, kind of like the doctors asking how much we would do to make Faith live. My answer ANYHTING I CAN. So tonight we are just hours from when she was rushed and cared for into this word. She was never welcomed but rushed and worried over. I think seeing that she had to show them it was worth it. She lies here tonight asleep, just done with her nepo shots and ready to celebrate her birthday with close family since the risk of sickness is way too high. See I kind of had a false sense of security when she had her transplant thinking that we would be in the clear but that is far far from true. The risk of cold, flu, or normal sickness is not a no biggy for us. Especially with the white counts being the way they have been with the meds she is on. I had a mom of another transplant child ask me if I was worried or scared to go home. I said no not much just need to get used to our new “norm” well little did I know how much it would really affect me, my husband and our relationship. Trying to constantly now worrying and praying God gives you strength, you forget to pray for your marriage, again something the doctors told us would suffer. We have tried really hard to not let it destroy us, but I would be lying if it was not very very hard. More than anything though we are about to hold hands together about to sing our miracle, and I again say miracle baby Happy 2nd birthday. Our Faith will be 2!! She is crawling trying to walk and such a joy you give so many around us I feel blessed to have been the mom to deal with this road God has given us because you can’t have another baby so special, happy, and so important to so many. Happy birthday baby girl I love you so very much and years from now I hope you can look back and see how much you were loved and prayed for. Mom