Tough?

As my one of best friends put in a letter she wrote was if God built us Ford tough? Well lately I'm feeling more like a battery operated car. Who runs great when its charged up, but still not the best, but also doesn't run once the charge is gone. The charge in me has been quite low this last week and seems to be just getting worse. For the most part I've felt pretty tough through all of this trial we have gone through with Faith, with of course the occasional battery loss, but I'm now at a point of breaking down again like i was those first couple weeks of her birth.

Now as a certain someone keeps saying, quite thinking of the negative and be positive. The thing is i am, but there is a point with me at least i get discouraged. I'm away from most all the things i love and the place i want to be. I'm in an apartment with a bed i have to say is one of the most uncomfortable things I've ever slept on which has now given me a week and a half of no sleep(along with anxiety attacks). I spend my days in a confined hospital room not being able to leave for any long period of time, because the baby depending on me to survive is not able to leave with. I fight it seems daily with one of her many different doctors for a say in what goes on with 'my' baby. The thing is, is there is so much of this life I've been living now 2 months that is now really getting to me.

I also have allot to be thankful for. Faith is surviving and is by far the most amazing person i have ever known.

Yesterday i came to my wits end with the doctors. The thing is for over a week i have been fighting to get them to push me feeding her, over being tube fed. As her mom i want to best for her and would understand completely them wanting that had she not been eating as well as she had or had i not been producing as much milk as a Holstein cow. But the thing is, is she is a porker and has no shortage of milk. So after a complete fit and having to pull our kidney doctor in...which they call the bulldog, because she gets things done...did they finally agree to turn her feeds off all day and just supplement her during the night. Yeah for me! Now the stink part about the tube feeding is that its a constant drip. So she was never hungry, nor full. So yesterday once they turned them off she finally felt the need to just snack enough no fight the feeling of hunger but not filling herself enough that not an hour later she was starving again. So i spent the whole day except an hour to eat and change laundry, in her room holding, burping and feeding. So this mama is SORE! I have been putting ointment on every time after she is done feeding, but that doesn't take away from the toe curling pain every time she latches on today.

Also is the world of daily hopes to go home they are trying the cycler again for a third time today to see if it will work. It is beyond frustrating having a machine working dictate when you can go home so for me it is weighing on me hard and i am beginning to see my patience with everything dwindling. Well they ran the machine for six hours, and the whole time it kept alarming. Either that it was low flow volume or that it wasn't going into her well enough.

So again the dialysis nurse came and they looked at her x-ray to see what kind of port she had. In looking at it they noticed it is against her pelvis, so now we wait to see what the surgeons say. Because it was mentioned that they will try everything they can to get it working but she may have to have surgeons do another port or fix hers she has now. So to say the least i am beyond anxious for this machine to start doing its job.

So here i sit waiting on a machine to let me go home, doctors to give answers, and patience to deal with it all. So i pray over and over for my battery to charge and to be able to get back up and running again, happy again, and get back the faith i had that things were going the way they should.

As i have said to myself so many times, faith is not relying on my own understanding why, but the knowing God knows why and having faith it will work out the way it should.

My little miss faith, also known as booger butt now by Dan, lays here in my arms which i am so so thankful for and is what keeps me sain as i can be. She has her battle wounds that show now all over her chest and belly. But she is such a perfect angel, with her chubby cheeks and hilarious complains.

So i ask as I've asked now daily it seems for days, that you can pray for us. For me to get my faith and hope back, and peace that it will be OK. For my baby that this cycler will start working so i don't have to watch her in pain from cramping and being just flat uncomfortable. And for our other kids, they are missing us so much, not sure if its as much i as i miss them, but they need us home. And also for our other family, that they are given strength and thanks for all they are doing for us.

Well i will leave now in hopes that the next time i write to to report joyous news, and not so down and week feeling. I pray that soon i am back to feeling Ford tough.

Luvs