Strength When I'm Weary

Ok this is a moment of quiet, except the dog snoring beside me. I hit a place today, tonight, this week, that I haven’t hit in a while and was mentioned by some people that I am negative and don’t think positive. So for myself I started to type to get through my own tears. I have to agree somewhat at this moment just because of the blows I was hit with this weekend and the last few weeks that I am in a funk, but trying really hard to keep above water. I have to say feeling like garbage does not help, at ALL. I am happy with so many things every day and seconds throughout the day but those aren’t the moments people seem to see in me, and for that I am sorry. It is a little over three years ago I was sitting in conference rooms, first to tell me the condition of the baby in my womb, and then months of over and over repeats of that condition. This still goes on today, over and over. For me I think I try so very hard to smile whenever I can, but I fight to do so. For those who don’t understand it hurt and made my earth quake and change forever when all the doctors took us in that room after she was born to tell us the ‘reality’. That second conference feels like it was yesterday and still remember where each doctor, nurse and surgeon was sitting, the smell of the room and looks on each one of their faces. I sat there in peace and strength this time, while Dan cried beside me. The strength and peace that at this moment I lack, but the majority of the time have. I sat there listening to all the undoubtable facts of her condition, how selfish we may be being and what effect it will have on our kids, and with so much clarity I told them, ‘You know, and I know she probably won’t make it past this first surgery or even till then, but I will not be the one to tell my kids that may resent her, that she didn’t make it or live because I didn’t take the chance to let her try’. We gave her a chance to try and fight knowing I would not deal with it all well, or perfect, but I knew God was on my side to give me strength to keep fighting, like her, even if I’m not the best at doing it sometimes. Because at that moment and even today with all the tubes, therapy, medicine, shots, doctors, surgeries, three kids possibly resenting me until they see for themselves, I can. BUT I could never die knowing I didn’t give her a chance to try to live. The thing is since I can remember I have always wanted to be a mom. Every time we went somewhere I had a baby and animal toy with me no matter where I went. So from the moment Tristan was born those kids have been what I dreamt of having, and doing. In that though I didn’t dream of having to go through what I have had with any of them, especially Faith. So yes I break, and yes I can’t handle it sometimes, and I fall into a funk. But for some reason it is unwarranted? Yes I have her still, and yes she is the most hilarious, spit fire, happy baby( except when she isn’t well), a light to anyone who is contact with her, and is so loving, but I still have to daily worry, and mess with the reality of what I have been dealt with her condition. And I am sorry that once in a while my heart and soul can’t take it. Because my kids and family are my life, from the moment I can remember, and still are today. So I ask for thoughts and prayers for me, that I may be stronger when I’m weaker, healthier when I’m sicker, and more patient when all I want to do is be in a quiet room with only the sounds of someone snoring and the peace knowing my family, my loves are ok. Thank you for listening to my heart.