Being torn

How can you top the tears I have shed in the last 24 hours? About a month ago when I took the kids to Awana I noticed that their grand prix cars were on sale, and the date for the race…March 3rd. Really! When I first saw it I was upset, but the more I thought about it the more it bothered me. I have always been there for everything for the kids and to miss something like this was not an option for me. I figured a few things. Faith may not make it and I’ll be home mourning my baby, or I will be at the hospital with her but I would come down to watch it and go back. Little did I know that neither of those things would happen.

So much has happened in Faith’s and our lives in the last week it takes all of me to try to remember what happened the day before, let alone an hour prior. On Tuesday the kids had spent the night with us. After we spent the morning with Faith, Cheryl came up to see my baby girl and brought us coffee!! WE spent a while up there since they were doing an ultrasound on her kidneys. Because for some reason her belly was expanding even though she was peeing, so they just wanted to double check. Once they were done I changed her diaper and did her care with Cheryl there, and then headed down the elevators back to the apartment. When we were walking out Teresa or pallative care team leader, was coming to find me and ask how I was. I explained all the pain I was in and how worried and stressed we were, and of course how terrible the OB was to me and my family. So to say the least she was going to put in a complaint for us. There is absolutely no reason someone should go through this. So I felt a lot better.

By the time I got back I was EXHAUSTED. The trip from the apartment to her room is a half a mile so basically I was walking about 4 miles a day 3 days after I delivered and it was catching up with me and quick. But being in my position I didn’t, and wasn’t an option to take it easy. We all lay down and then the phone rang. Now that dang phone has never been a good sign, and this time was no exception. Dan ran and answered the phone and all I heard was uh huh and yeah. Now prior to all this I had just got done breaking down because I was seeing firsthand how much my kids missed me. The fact I wasn’t there for them, and felt so torn to be a mom I just didn’t have the option to be, and it was killing me and being so far from home.

Well when he hung up he began to explain what I did not want to ever hear.

The ultrasound showed that the swelling was her kidneys and they were getting way to big. So they were gonna have to do surgery and remove one of them. Well this also meant that they would have to transfer her to Seattle since they didn’t do surgeries like that, and Seattle were the experts on kidney issues. I lost it! Transfer, surgery, being farther from home, and my dear kids that now I wouldn’t see as often. I felt my soul and heart just twisting inside me and couldn’t even cry as hard or as deep as my body wanted to. Every part of my body hurt and wept. Dan asked if he should stay with me but I needed someone to go be with her. SO I sat in bed watching my dear little babies sleep knowing how much I wasn’t there for them and soon was going to be farther from them and now my little baby was going to be cut on.

How? How do you be a mom in two places at once without neglecting one or the other? It’s not possible and I was failing in my eyes for Savanna and Tristan and it killed me.

The kids were so sweet in trying to comfort me and I sat them down and told them how much it was hurting me to know that I would be farther from them and also that their sister had to go into surgery. I just felt as though all and any control I had of any situation was falling through my finger tips. Dan called and explained what all the doctors said when they came to see her. They were going to need to transfer her since they were the ones that specialized in organ removal and kidney issues. The good thing was is that her creatinine level was dropping and she was peeing more, it was just that her kidneys were getting to big to both be in her. So I packed the kideos up and we headed over to see her. My mom and Carol came to see us and take the kids home for school in the morning and we actually decided to leave and get dinner outside of the hospital.

Then it was time to leave to get back for care. Leaving the kids and saying bye was terrible and loosing it again in front of a restaurant of people was retarded.

As we drove back Dan tried to convince me that I was a good mom and that I was where I needed to be. I could repeat it, which I did over and over, but it didn’t help the ache in my heart. So we spent some time with her and headed back to get some sleep because we had no idea what the next day would hold.