Day 1

We had been just sitting there not really saying much just enjoying the moment knowing we had our baby girl was here and alive and ok, well not perfect but better than expected. But that all changed when the hospital room phone rang. Dan answered it and at that moment it hit me that it wasn’t family and he just sat there not saying much but uh huh, and yep, and ok, and then bye. My stomach sank because I knew it wasn’t good news and it wasn’t. Dan told me she had got a hole in her lungs during them trying to get her breathing and also had to intabate her because her oxygen levels were dropping and carbon dioxide levels were rising. He said he would call in 45 minutes and we could come see her and he would then talk to us.
Ok as a mom or even a dad that 45 minutes of not knowing if your new baby is ok lasts hours, days, and years just trying to breathe not knowing. We sat there and cried together and then we called and was told it was ok to come see her. When we got there I lost it seeing that tube coming out of her mouth and all the other IV’s they had coming out of her belly button and then the tube coming out of her chest was the next to worst thing for me. We just looked at her and cried and then the neonatologist came in to talk to us. He explained all the obvious that she had this tube and that, for this and for that. But then he began to talk about her lungs and her oxygen levels and her carbon dioxide levels and ended with, we are going to try a few more things but don’t be shocked if we call you tonight to say goodbye to her. Goodbye! And don’t be shocked?!! How do you do that, really? They came in and gave her a medicine to put in her lungs over 30 minutes that would hopefully help her lungs to get rid of the carbon dioxide by expanding her tissue and capillaries. Well the down side is it could block her airway and suffocate her to! So yeah big downside but if it did work then she may survive. All in a matter of a couple hours we would know if she would fight thru it. We sat with her until it was all in to make sure she was still breathing and until I almost passed out sitting up and then went back to the room to wait for the blood gas levels to be drawn and results.
I then realized that I had finally accepted that our baby was alive and breathing which they told me she probably wouldn’t and I got to see her, touch her, and fall in love with her all over again. It was then I told Dan I couldn’t lose her, I just couldn’t!! I knew that I may, but I just couldn’t and I cried myself to sleep holding his hand praying she would be ok and I wouldn’t hear that phone ring again. That was about 9 and at around 11pm the nurse came in and woke me up to let me know her CO2 levels had dropped to 50% so in otherwise she was going to survive to live another day!!
I slept so good till about 4am and wanted so bad to see her but knew I couldn’t get up and do it so I asked Dan if he could go see her and check on her. I asked the nurse after he left to bring down her foot and hand print frame down to have them do sometime soon. I fell back to sleep so quick and almost three hours later and I was STRESSING Dan showed up with her frame, a mold of her foot and news that she was doing amazing and her CO2 levels were even lower and her O2 levels were rising. It was at that point that the most stress relieving tears fell that I have ever had.
When I got up I took a shower and ate some food so I could take my pain meds and be more able to be little more comfortable to get over to see her. When Dan took me in to see her she looked so much better. We spent a long time with her and went back to the room and family had all shown up and Bev who wasn’t able to come yesterday because of the snow. We took runs back and forth. Some with both of us but I started to not feel good so I took a break for a while but the last trip was my mom and dad so I went. But when we entered the room I could tell something wasn’t right. Shortly after we came in the doctor came and said that her oxygen levels were dropping and dropping fast and her oxygen levels were as high as they could be on the ventilator. SO again they had to make us face the reality that her lungs just weren’t working they way they should and may not be long before there isn’t anything else they can do. We all sat there for a while, me in shock with no tears. I asked my mom to go tell everyone in the room and we would be there soon. It was then in the silence with Dan watching the oxygen levels going nowhere that the tears finally broke free.
We went back to the room to everyone and the tears around the room and we prayed and held each other and the door opened and Susan, Faiths nurse entered the room and my stomach and heart dropped. She came up to me and said her oxygen levels were back up and her CO2 levels were going down. She couldn’t even finish the whole explanation before for the umpteenth time I lost it. She again proved the doctor wrong and was fighting to be my baby.
Te rest of the night was perfect and she did amazing! Our baby girl was fighting and was known as the “fighter” in the NICU. Because from the moment she has came into this world she has fought. Fought to breathe, fought to survive, and fought to prove the doctors wrong that said she wasn’t strong enough. My sweet fighting little Faith!!