Holding my baby girl

Do you remember the first time your baby peed, or the first time she opened its eyes ,the first time you felt her weight of its body in your arms, or the smell of her on you after you put her down. It’s amazing in life what you take for granted, even when you think you don’t. She has taught me patience, and a respect for life I thought I had, and now know I was lacking so very much. My sweet baby girl Faith!!

Today I woke up so exhausted. My body is aching with only one nap since I gave birth, and walking a minimum of 4 miles a day and on my feet all day. Oh and not to mention the stress of everything. So Dan went over early this morning when I was pumping and I went back to bed for an hour, because I honestly could not get my body to move. 

Now yesterday was our first day at Seattle Children’s Hospital, and they told us, and I knew that once her pressure on the high frequency ventilator was turned down to a 14 then they would switch her to the "other ventilator". Now with switching to that ventilator meant it would have flexible tubing, and with that…well, I GET TO HOLD HER!!! Now since she arrived here she went from an 18 down to a high 15 and during the night they were going to turn her down again if her blood gas came back good. This meant the next day I could be holding her in my arms! I never expected to hold her this early so I teared up with just the thought of it. The truth is, that i had pushed the thought of holding her out of my mind because it hurt so bad not being able to hold her, and nurse her, and just feel her in my arms. So knowing that in 24 hours or less I could be holding her, just made my heart leap.  

So when Dan got back to pick me up to bring me over, he walked in and yelled, 13! Now as tired as I was it did not dawn on me what he was talking about till he said, they turned her down. At that moment I was awake. When we walked in her room another gentleman was in the room and along with him was another machine. That machine was THE machine. We sat there and watched, and then there it was. Her lungs were rising and falling, and her body wasn’t shaking from the other ventilator any more, and she was doing awesome on it. Her oxygen level didn’t even drop. They got it all dialed in and the nurse gave us the stethoscope, and through our ears we heard our baby girl breathe. Now as I said before, it will amaze you what you take for granted in life, and hearing your child breathe is one of those things. As we both sat there and listened to her breathe through our ears, we cried. But this time it was such a joyful tear that rolled down our cheek. 

It was going to take a minute for her to relax, but you could already see how relaxed she was even in the few seconds she was able to take breathes in. They told us they were going to do a blood gas and then if it came back good we could be holding her within an hour!! Really an hour! I had to sit there and really convince myself I wasn’t dreaming. Since we went straight to her room when we got over there we were getting pretty hungry so we went and ate and when we got back…she was ready to be in my arms. I sat in the rocker watching them bundle her all up, and still couldn’t believe it. I kept waiting for them to say, she wasn’t doing well, and we would have to wait, but then they turned around with her in their arms and laid her on my hands and then the weight of her body lay in my arms and against my chest.

There she was, and I began to weep with such a joyous outburst I started to worry I was shaking her from crying so hard. Dan came over and talked to her, and her eyes opened. Now she has opened them a few times, but this was the first time that they stayed open and she looked right at me, then Dan, then me again. She also smiled and made the funniest faces which made us laugh and cry all at the same time. Total she stayed awake for almost 20 minutes just looking at us. It was like she waited to open her eyes for real until she was in my arms. 

Now to me it felt like 10 minutes, but I could see Dan just going crazy wanting to hold her so after about an hour I handed her over. I cried giving her up, but knew how much he ached to feel her in his arms too. It was so heartwarming to see him hold her. Nothing is like seeing the father of your child fall to pieces in love with your baby in front of your eyes. He sat there and rocked her and talked to her and we both sang “You are my sunshine” (which is the song my dad sang to me when I was growing up) and finally had to put her back cause Dan needed to eat, although I could have gone all day, and not eaten, and not even realized it since I was so happy and fulfilled. I sat on cloud nine all day. Dan’s mom, dad, grandma and grandpa came to visit and see her. 

I tried to rest but I couldn’t get comfortable so I gave up and drove over to see my baby. My day was full but my heart was fuller. My baby girl’s smell was still on my clothes.