Well when found out the terrible news it was December 29th and we were sent to the Lacey Mary Bridge that next Tuesday for one of our now weekly ultrasounds. We went in there hoping that maybe when the specialists met and looked at the ultrasound pictures that maybe they would come to a different outcome. Well this was our first meeting and visit with Dr. Brennan. She was nice and the ultrasound wasn't quite as painful, but we still had to hear news we didn't want to hear. I got all dressed and went into her office and sat across the table as she explained that, yes we are sure this is what she has, that her fluid is still low..so low that we were watching her lick the amniotic sack during the ultrasound, her kidneys are enlarged and look like pkd kidneys, and her chest is measuring about 2 weeks smaller then it should.
So then the, what I will expect, conversation started. I will be coming in weekly for ultrasounds to make sure nothing else is changing, fluid level, and see how she is coping. I will be being induced up at Tacoma General at about 37 weeks unless she is in distress before then. And of course we don't know if she will survive. I was also then told to keep a log of her movements and if there was any change to go to the ER immediately. Cause just like that she could crush her cord and be gone as fast as a light switch. You would think I would be a pro of taking news like this by then but do you ever?
So as we walked out of the appointment all the hope we had was crushed and taken away. Its a double edge sword when it comes to this because you want to keep up hope but how much can you have? And week after week of hearing it over and over that you probably won't have a baby to take home, but in the rare chance she does breathe expect weeks in the hospital and biweekly visits back for dialysis. Faith I need to have Faith! Literally and emotionaly.
That week I went back to my regular doctor for the 3 hour glucose test. There are only a few things I'm petrified of and needles are one of them. So in the midst of all the other things I was made to sit in a doctors office for 3 hours getting poked and watching pregnant moms come in and out. Makes me sound so selfish but it was the most difficult thing sitting there watching families come out of the ultrasound room just finding out what they were having...which everyone was a girl, and listen to all their excitement. Just thinking that was me not so long ago and why can't I be her? It took a toll on me and sent me into a couple days of depression again. Then on top of all the other things I needed to log and keep track of I now was told I have gestational diabetes! In the grand scheme of things its not that big of a deal but another thing to have to keep track of and do as if I didn't have enough.
The next two weeks were the same thing. Go in with hope and leave with reality.
I was lucky enough to come across families from the PKD facebook page that gave me encouragemnt and questions to ask. And of course a circle of family and friends that have been praying for us and sending words of encouragement. With without that I don't think I would be having good days. Don't get me wrong I still have my days were I'm at rock bottom and in tears, but in between those I do still have my moments of joy and hope and of course FAITH. Joy with every kick I feel and every hiccup I see on my skin, everytime they start the ultrasound and I get to see her heart beat and hear it racing. Yes I have Faith God has a plan for her, I just hope that plan is having her grow in my arms not just in my heart.
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