So the story begins

I started this blog mostly for myself to vent and to maybe be the support to someone who may be going through something like this that has given up hope. I have tried writing with a pen and paper...didn't work since I couldn't write as fast as my mind was going. I tried videoing myself but couldn't handle watching myself talk, so in the midst of my trial I was introduced to a Mom that had started a Blog to tell her story that is allot like mine.

I will begin with the month of August or maybe it was July. People who are close to me know the back story of all the hard ships I've had to endure the last few years with the multiple broken hearts and dreams but as I say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. So I am basically I am stronger then I knew I was but still not as strong as I want to be. In August I was shocked and surprised I was expecting. Not at all planned. We put together a fast wedding in 5 weeks. For a few reasons one I wanted to actually fit in a dress since I would be almost 3 months on the wedding day, I wanted to raise the baby as a family the right way since I had already done things I shouldn't have, and also I didn't want my kids knowing we were going to have an addition until we were married. SO on September 18th I walked down to my Love and started on our path together as a family.

From the very beginning of the pregnancy I was not feeling good. I never had morning sickness with my other two which I had it BAD with this one. I was having allot of issues with my varicose vein in my left leg that made me have to wear compression tights all day or I couldn't stand. And I just felt like something was wrong, but I thought it was all in my head because I was older and the health issues I had dealt with before. Well intuitions a weird thing when your a mom.

The first ultrasound hit me that I was really pregnant not just sick and old. To see her moving around gave a joy in my heart I can't explain but as a mom most can relate. My sister Bev was able to come along with us and video and my mom was in the room with me and Dan. When we left the ultrasound room my mom fell into tears knowing it was such a miracle to see it happen again.

Dan was so happy and beaming like he was floating on air. Just knowing and seeing how healthy "it" looked. Each appointment was fine and without any complications till out in depth ultrasound where we were told we were having a GIRL!! Dan got his wish and we were all in tears. Chris, my mom, dad and the kids were there too. At my next appointment the following month the doctor told me the placenta was low lying so I needed o come back in 3-4 weeks to see if it had moved. Of course I couldn't wait 4 weeks cause that would make it after Christmas. So the week of Christmas we went in to see if it moved and it did! BUT along with that my amniotic fluid was low. If it wasn't one thing it was another. So Dr. D told me to take it easy lay on my side as much as possible and drink a ton of fluids....well of course that was the week I got the flu.

I came back that Tuesday after Christmas to check with my mom since Dan needed to work and thought it would be just a normal visit. Well she began the ultrasound and said the fluid was still low, actually lower and her kidneys just didn't look right. Didn't look right?! To sit there and hear that was confusing to me because she seemed just fine. So we went to the room to wait for the doctor to come talk to me. I was trying so hard the whole time not to loose it just hoping something wasn't wrong but knew there was. She came in and said she looked ok but because of the fluid level and kidneys and the fact her bladder was empty I needed to go to Silverdale to talk to a specialist in the morning. My mind went blank and my heart sank. Almost as if every emotion had left me.

When I got home Dan was in tears but at that point it still hadn't hit me till my mom called to ask if she needed to drive me there. And then the tears came and came and came. I was so scared because I just knew something was wrong. No sleep came to me that night just tears and worry. On the drive up there I stayed hopeful knowing something was up but thinking maybe if anything I would need to deliver early or something. When we got there I had to lay on the sonogram table for almost 2 hours on my back. As a pregnant women most would know how uncomfortable that is and how sick I was getting coupled with the anxiety I was feeling. She probed and prodded me and hurt so bad the whole time not telling me a thing just looking and looking keeping me in such a state of suspense I almost wanted to yell at her to tell me something...anything. Well she finally went and got the doctor who came in looked some more and all she would tell me is "I can't tell you at this point till I look at it all, but her kidneys don't look right". Oh that was such a help! NOT!

We were then lead into a conference room to wait for the doctor to come talk to us. We were in there for almost 20 minutes and what a wait it was. We barely said but two words to each other. And then the doctor came in. She sat down and just looked at us and started with "Well....and then the news came and what news it was.