As I sit here tonight so exhausted I can't move, and if I did my body hurts so bad I look like a half crippled old lady trying to walk. I had to hire a lady to come help me clean because I have about a half of ounce of the energy I think I have and none of the energy I normally would. For me it is so so very hard to sit still...which has been in me since I was born. So to have someone come clean and expect me not to do something to is near impossible.
Now should I have done half of what I did today? No! But for me its so hard because at times like today I feel like I can't do anything right to help my baby girl so the least I can do is try to be super mom, wife, daughter, friend, in all I feel a constant ache of failure.
Why? Why can't I do something to heal her? I'm the one growing her inside me so why? I know she's strong because my body and inside are feeling the brunt of her strength, so with both our strengths why can't she be ok? But then again why not?
I went to bible study this morning and got lost in tears numerous times watching her speak on the dvd. I have always been a person who hates to cry in front of people but the strength to keep tears in this past month is really getting to me. As I sat there listening to the message it was almost as if it was planned to play today for me. She talked about how God will bring you through trials to make you more beautiful, so much so that you won't recognize the woman in the mirror on the other side.
In hindsight I know the strength I am getting from this terrible trial will make me stronger. I just wish I knew Gods plan in all of this. Cause I know Faiths life will change and touch lives, I know that! Its the how that scares me. So I loose sleep just laying awake holding her now, rubbing her back and watching her move against my hand. I sing her the songs and pray to her goodnight. All in the hopes that ill be able to do it soon without the barrier between us. For how much I love my baby girl!
Goodnight and sweet dreams, because you are my sunshine that makes me happy, my sweet baby Faith
This made me cry because it's like we are the same people, just on opposite sides of the world. Sometimes the exhaustion is just too much, isn't it?
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