The news that changed our life

As the doctor started to speak I was still a little light headed from having to lay on my back for so long, that it almost felt like I was in some movie. And this movie was gonna turn into a tear jerker sooner then I knew. She began by saying " Well her kidneys are enlarged and don't look right as you know." I did know but to what extent and what that meant I had absolutely no idea. She began to say by the all the signs, which included...the low amniotic fluid, the enlarged kidneys(which had spots that resembled pkd cysts), a empty bladder, and smaller chest. That she is 95% sure she has ARPKD.

I thought I had heard a lot about medical terms and issues but when she said that I was confused and waiting for some explanation. Oh what an explanation she gave. With this it takes two people with the recessive gene to have a baby with this. And with her having this and the fluid so low she most likely will not be able to breathe when she is delivered. They will try to give her oxygen but unless her little body is able to absorb the oxygen she will pass away right after delivery. If...she is able to breathe(and that is a BIG if as she so nicely put) she will most likely need dialysis and or transplant, so there is no telling how long her life will be.

I sat there knowing I wanted to know something, but I sat there with my heart on the floor and in such shock I couldn't even open my mouth. She just looked at me and Dan and asked if I had any questions. Questions? What do you ask? Besides a big fat WHAT!? I don't really remember what I asked besides is there anything I can do? And no there's not, just wait.???? Go in every week to make sure she's still alive and hope that when she comes into this world she will survive. And as she told me over and over there is no way of knowing if she will.

At this point I was still in such a state of shock no emotion had hit me until she said that I will need to have her at Tacoma General so that they can 'try' to save her. At that point I asked is there any chance its something else, and then like a semi truck it hit me and I lost it. She told us she was sorry, set up our next appointment and let us leave. I remember walking to the car and not even knowing how my feet were moving or how I was able to stand. The 2 hour ride home I cried for part of it and just looked out the window not saying a word, because really what can you say? My Dad called and asked how it went and I got out..."not so good", before my heart really started to break. He asked if I was gonna be ok, and I said yes but our little baby girl was probably not going to survive and if she did probably not for long. It is a lot different when you have to say it outloud.

As we turned down our road all I could think about was what am I gonna tell the kids. They were luckily taking a nap when we got home. So I went and laid in bed just staring at the wall unable to move for almost 2 hours. Then my sweet little boy came in. He is so intune to when I'm sad and I had just stopped crying when he opened the door. He crawled up into bed with us and laid on my chest. We sat in silence for a while and I noticed he was crying. At this point I had not told him.I asked what was wrong and he looked up at me and said " I'm scared I'm not gonna have a baby sister." Oh my sweet little man broke my heart. We all just sat and cried, and kept saying we are just gonna pray and hope God heals her sick little body.

Luckily I have the most amazing family so my Mom offered to take them for the night or however long we needed. The sweetest thing though was when my mom was there to get them I asked Tristan what he wanted to do. If he wanted to stay or go to Grandmas, and he hugged me and told me ' what would you want me to do?' I am so lucky to have such amazing kids with hearts of gold. That night Dans mom dad and jordan came and brought us food. But other then that we just sat in the bed not watching tv, not reading a book, but just staring at the wall with the occasional breakdown.

The next few days were just as hard if not harder because word started to travel that things were not well. And bless our friends and families hearts they called, but as I said before saying it outloud was way to hard so I basically lived in a texting world unless I had a strong moment to call a sister or friend back.

As each day passed they each held a moment of strength in them but I was still not ready to be around anyone. And it seemed as though everytime I would pull myself together she would start kicking me to remind me that she was still there.

It is quite a conflict when you are in such mourning for a baby you haven't lost but also unable to get excited because you have no idea if you will ever be able to watch her grow. It was the next day in my silence that the naming issue for our little girl became an answer from God and as if I had been looking at a name book(which I wasn't , just the same wall) her name came to me..
Faith.