A Whirlwind 24 Hours

What a crazy nightmareish 24 hours it has been. I woke up yesterday morning dragging as usual because I'm still not able to sleep and every days worse since it is just compiling. I got the kids up and going and my little boy decided while I was showering and doing sisters hair he would make eggo waffles, put them on a plate and get syrup on them for her and him. Was so sweet. Well then it was off to drop them off and back to get ready for my run through of doctors appointments for the week.

Of course I was running late and my wonderful mom met me there for support. First was the NST and she was moving like crazy (which her movements HURT most the time) and doing what she needed to do to look healthy. Then it was out to wait for the ultrasound check. These I dread and love at the same time. The NST's I could do all day just to listen to her heart beat but the ultraosunds always have the reality attached to them, although I get to see her alive and moving.

When she called us back its always the "how you doing?". Do you answer honestly with all the emotions your feeling or the quick half fake, ok? Well I opted for the ok and laid down to start the check. She began by looking for fluid. Now last week I left feeling better because her fluid was about 4cm which was a little bit higher (which could have been just her position, but staying positve). This week, well she scanned, and scanned, and scanned some more and couldn't find any! My heart sank and I mean sank because in a way I had my hopes up it would either be just as high or maybe higher. Well not the case. So from there we watched for small motor movement which she was opening and closing her mouth, so cute! Then we watched for practice breaths. She took a couple short and then nothing for a bit then a bunch in a row. Its amazing how just watching that I felt the warm tears run down my face. After that we looked at her bladder and spotted one small and mean small pocket of about 1cm of fluid up by her shoulder.

Then is was out to wait again to see the doctor. Now this marks my last week of seeing my regular doctor, which I've been switching to every other week since she is a christian and actually leave with some encouragement and a feeling that I'm just not another chart. We went in and asked all the questions and left knowing it is all just a waiting game. With a TON of prayer involved to keep me sane enough to take care of myself and my family.

We went to lunch at one of my fave restaraunts Olive Garden and had a coffee with my sweet aunt before I headed home. I was so wore out but at this point I had to pick kids up in 15 min from the bus so I basically laid on my side collected myself and to my shock my Dad showed up. It was like he read my mind and offered to take the kids home and to Awana that night. LOVE him! So off they went and I went to lay down.

Well then the yuck begins again. As I lay there trying to fall asleep which takes me FOREVER. I hear this awful screaming noise and my dogs in the kennel start barking. Well I jump up to find my brothers bulldog dead on the back patio. She is not my dog but I go into complete panic mode. First I have no idea what to do with her, with me. At this point I'm shaking and balling so I call Dan to see where he is and the poor guy thinks somethign happened to me. He told me to call Gus my brother but there is no way I can tell him so I call my Dad. I can't even talk which scares him too and finally I tell him and ask him to call Gus. For you who don't know my Dad he is in LOVE with dogs and especially bulldogs, which he got Koda for Gus, and had just spent 20 mins loving on her before he left. So basically the rest of the evening was terrible and full of tears and trying to comfort my brother which has never lost an animal before.

That night I didn't sleep at all and woke up with puffy crying eyes and bags from no sleep...not so cute. But again my sweet boy decided he wanted to make breakfast and he chose pancakes. So I showed him how and he mixed it all up, made them, and even put everything in the dishwahser and cleaned the counter! So as I watched him I decided to check facebook. About a week ago I was contacted by a lady named Liza that is one week behind me in her pregnancy, having a girl, has gestational diabetes, just found out her baby has arpkd too, and was so lost and hopeless just like me. I talked to her tried to encourage her like others had for me and we talked almost everyday. Well she went into labor during the night and ended up having her early this morning and she passed away shortly after birth. It hit me so so hard becuase we were so alike in all our situations with out pregnancy and she lost hers. I know I shouldn't compare or loose my faith but I can't get it off my mind.

It all goes back to the fear of actually going into labor because you have absolutely no control or idea what the end result will be. That is all in his hands and so hard on days like this to be ok with. So I continue to pray for my faith in his plan, my Faith in my belly, and now Liza that has suffered the loss I am so scared is going to happen to me.