Its about 2:30am and I am exhausted! Today went by so fast which I needed but was insanely busy. Savanna woke up again in the middle of the night or I should say 5am because her "tent" broke,which is a blanket I drape over part of her bed. Since Dan was awake already he just told her to come lay in our bed. I wasn't to happy bout that since I knew neither of them would now fall back to sleep and I definitely wouldn't since a pin dropping wakes me. So of course they kept me up and then got ready for school while the whole time I tried to sleep, again which I didn't. Dan took them to school and was gonna let me rest but all I did was sit and look at the wall.
While sitting there and making lists of things I needed to do and pack my phone rang. It was the child life specialist that was gonna be at the hospital to help explain what we needed to, to the kids. She also said there would be a bag of stuff for them and a booklet for me to read on certain ways that may help talking to them. Made me feel good though because she commended me that I have told the kids about Faith being sick and not knowing what will happen. So it took an ease off my heart that I made it easier for my babies.
From that point on it was up and at em. We headed first to my parents to pick a trailer up to get hay for the horses, and I printed off some papers I needed and made some calls then on to the next. By the time we got home and moved horses around it was a mad rush to finish what I needed to pack and shower so I could take Savanna in to get our feet done together and pick the camera up.
Well Washington I was am not happy with,cause on the way in Bev called(which I asked her a long time ago to be here for me and Dan in the hospital)and informed me she had 5 inches of snow and 6-10 inches was supposed to come down tonight! Serious why?! So in other words she may not make it. This would make two people I planned on being here, being here. First was Teresa the only one person I knew and met and Bev. As I was talking to her it became a total white out on the freeway but we made it to get our nails done. Savanna of course got pink and wanted me to do purple. She also got a flower and told me I needed one too so that we would match and I would think of her when I was at the hospital. So sweet!
By the time we got home we were already late to be at Mels for dinner and to drop the kids off. But we got there unloaded and ate dinner. Saying goodbye was so hard! Ryan prayed I hugged them all one last time, got in the car and broke down. I was and am soooo scared about oh so many things. We stopped by Target(fave store)on the way up, checked in and ran into Lu at the elevator. As far as I was told they were supposed to be going home that morning but she was still in the hospital. It was so nice to see her and someone I knew.
As we got downstairs I met my nurse for the night who showed us our room. Which I thought was gonna be in the NICU wing so I wasn't rooming with all the normal delivery moms but nope. But I must say the rooms HUGE and at the end of the hall so I'm ok with it. I asked though how far the NICU was from the room and she offered to go show us. All the rooms were full is why we didn't get one of those. But then she showed us the actual NICU, and seeing those babies in there it hit me that she may be in those rooms. Dan and Marci (my nurse) both comforted me while I pulled it together and made it back to the room to put on my LOVELY robe and get all set up.
She put the monitors on then the IV(OW!) and checked my cervix which was 2cm and 70% effaced since yesterday. So at that point she had to ask the dr what to do since she was gonna just stat the petocin....which I was not ready to have a baby yet. When she came back she gave me a pill just to work along with me cervix. Now the whole reason I was ok with coming in tonight was because they said I could get medicine to rest. Well little did I know that medicine was in shot form and in my butt, and did it hurt!
I got pretty sleepy but as I said its now 3am and I'm yet to fall asleep. Now I'm tired and resting but not sleeping. Which how can you when you have a nurse coming in all the time to check on me. As I type this I am having a ton of contractions and super tired. So until I have a chance again that is what is going on. So hopefully next time I write it will be a story of how good Faith is doing, so please please pray!
As a family we will walk through this difficult time together
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Our Last Dr Visit
As I lay here in the quiet listening to the fan blow and Dan sleep I am filled with so many emotions. I am missing my kids even though I know I will see them in the morning and after school, but then its goodbye and off to our awaited hospital bed. They will be coming up to see me but as the moment draws closer I am clinging to them so protective of them and so scared at the same time. I'm also scared, and nervous more then I ever have in my whole life. I know where I'm going and what will happen once I check in, but then its all a extreme mystery. Will I begin labor right away? Will it last for day(better not!)? How painful will it be? Will I be able to keep my emotions together to focus on the task at hand? But most of all and I mean most, cause they could do anything to me and I would worry a bit but the biggest thing is what my baby girl will be like and how hard will she have to fight to survive when she takes those first breathes? Will she be able to absorb that air that all of us just breathe not realizing it is something she may not be able to absord and take in? Will her kidneys work enough to let her live a somewhat normal life, or will they fail her? Oh the questions and the fears you have going through this, but most of all knowing and having to count the hours down till that moment.
Today marked the day of our very last appointment. My amazing sister and Kenzie came by after I dropped the kids off to school to come help pack up their clothes for the time I'm gone and Tristans gecko. Mel being Mel she also cleaned things up for me! Dan took the next two days off before the induction date to be here with me since I'm trying hard to stay together but still failing from time to time. Which as we get closer it seems to happen a lot more on a regular basis. So him, my wonderful Mom, and amazing Dad came to the appointment with me. It is becoming increasingly harder to walk because of the pressure so they got quite a kick out of my MAJOR waddle back to the exam room.
Of course she passed the NST like always. The doctor then came in and went over the run through of what I may expect, and what I needed to know. Then a hard contraction hit and she decided to push on my stomach. Now I don't know why she did but I seriously almost out of reflex smacked her. It hurt soooo bad! She then sent me to the other exam room to check if Thursday or tomorrow night would be the start of all the junk they need to do, and my wonderful luck I am supposed to call at 7 (which I wanted late so I could be with my kids as close to bed as possible), and then head up to start cervix meds and they will give me something to sleep! Now there is a chance that this medicine will start me into labor, but if not Thursday AM they will start the meds to start the labor.
So in otherwords I'm freaked out! But also excited the medicine may work and I will actiually get some sleep.
From there we all went to lunch and Dan insisted we go get a carseat and stroller. Now I didn't want to and wanted to wait. But there is no telling him no if he has his mind set. So we went up and picked one up.
So that brings me basically to now. My eyes burning from tears that I've shed tonight and from being so wore out and tired. My hips and back and legs hurting from the pressure from her. And my mind unable to shut off trying to think of all the things I need to do before I go and what I will have to deal with in the next 2 days.
I luckily have an amazing group of family and friends but they can't take away the ache in my heart that I don't know what is going to happen to my baby Faith. So I will sit and pray the same prayers over and over in hopes that He will put my mind and body at ease enough to rest up for my marathon ahead.
So until then...with love, hope, and of course Faith
Today marked the day of our very last appointment. My amazing sister and Kenzie came by after I dropped the kids off to school to come help pack up their clothes for the time I'm gone and Tristans gecko. Mel being Mel she also cleaned things up for me! Dan took the next two days off before the induction date to be here with me since I'm trying hard to stay together but still failing from time to time. Which as we get closer it seems to happen a lot more on a regular basis. So him, my wonderful Mom, and amazing Dad came to the appointment with me. It is becoming increasingly harder to walk because of the pressure so they got quite a kick out of my MAJOR waddle back to the exam room.
Of course she passed the NST like always. The doctor then came in and went over the run through of what I may expect, and what I needed to know. Then a hard contraction hit and she decided to push on my stomach. Now I don't know why she did but I seriously almost out of reflex smacked her. It hurt soooo bad! She then sent me to the other exam room to check if Thursday or tomorrow night would be the start of all the junk they need to do, and my wonderful luck I am supposed to call at 7 (which I wanted late so I could be with my kids as close to bed as possible), and then head up to start cervix meds and they will give me something to sleep! Now there is a chance that this medicine will start me into labor, but if not Thursday AM they will start the meds to start the labor.
So in otherwords I'm freaked out! But also excited the medicine may work and I will actiually get some sleep.
From there we all went to lunch and Dan insisted we go get a carseat and stroller. Now I didn't want to and wanted to wait. But there is no telling him no if he has his mind set. So we went up and picked one up.
So that brings me basically to now. My eyes burning from tears that I've shed tonight and from being so wore out and tired. My hips and back and legs hurting from the pressure from her. And my mind unable to shut off trying to think of all the things I need to do before I go and what I will have to deal with in the next 2 days.
I luckily have an amazing group of family and friends but they can't take away the ache in my heart that I don't know what is going to happen to my baby Faith. So I will sit and pray the same prayers over and over in hopes that He will put my mind and body at ease enough to rest up for my marathon ahead.
So until then...with love, hope, and of course Faith
Monday, February 21, 2011
Shower of Love for Faith
What a whirl wind it is beginning to be, as if its not been on yet. Friday was my last ultrasound appointment till this little babes comes. It was the first time that my appointment was in the afternoon so I actually had time to get a few things done. I got the kideos off to school and got our taxes together to drop off on the way in and then I had to get back to pick them up since they had a half day. Mel actually had the day off and Bev was coming down a day before the shower so they both were planning on being here for my appointment. We went and met Bev, Mona, Kendal, Avi, and my mom for lunch and then I ran into Target before we headed to the appointment.
As time goes on walking any amount of time feels like I’ve walked miles. So by the time I showed up there I was doing the best waddle I could do, or should I say I was trying not to do. Well as we waited, usually they only allow one person in with me so I was hoping Mel would be able to come in to since I asked Bev earlier last week if she wanted to. I had the same Sonographer as I have had the last 4 times so I asked her when she passed by us if it was ok for both my sisters could come in. She of course is a sweetheart and said yes and also agreed to let my Mom too! Seeing as though it was my sisters first time being able to come and see the ultrasound she explained everything as she went through the check up.
She started with her heart and heart beat which also started the tears. As I have said so many times you can never hear it enough. Next was the head size measurement and kidney size. The kidneys are now about 6 cm which isn’t a ton bigger but the good thing was, was that there was still a very good amount of blood flow through them. She then explained where each body part was to them and listened to cord blood flow, which all still looked really good. Of course she went on the fluid hunt and her stomach and bladder were both full and as we looked at fluid pockets she peed!! Which is a VERY good thing! We also found a pocket of 2cm of fluid too! And then to top it all off it was hard for her to get a good measurement because she kept on doing her practice breathing! Now as I mentioned last time there is a movement she does that is kind of like hiccups but I knew it wasn’t and asked her what it was…it is her breathing!!!!
So through this whole time I was in partial tears holding back from loosing it but everyone else had got to that point the moment they saw her heart beating. The thing with ultrasounds is that the amniotic fluid is the main factor in getting clear pictures. I asked her if I could get a profile picture of her for my sister Mona since I forgot to bring one in for her. She of course agreed and started down to her face. Now I didn’t expect much since is just harder to make things out but for some reason today it was as clear as could be. She first did the side profile, but she then turned her head towards the camera. This would be when I lost it. It was so vivid and clear, so much so that you could see her eyelids opening and closing, and then she started sucking her tongue with her mouth. It became so real all at once to me the features she had of us.
It is a miracle how they are knitted in your belly the way they are and how she responds to things. I walked out of there with a hope. Not so much that she would be ok but that she was ok and I had made a baby girl.
I called Dan to tell him everything we saw and found and of course was in tears the whole time, but the happiest tears I had shed in quite some time. I spent a couple more hours with my sisters before I headed home for the evening to relax.
Saturday was the shower for Faith which was one of those things I was looking forward to but also knew was gonna be hard. Of course as it goes I was trying to get ready and having contractions like crazy so a normal 20 minute shower and out the door turned into an hour. I showed up right on time to see so many people. Way more then I expected and it was so pretty. The not so good thing is that the had set it so I was sitting in front of everyone. Now there a few things I do not and I repeat do not like. One of those things being in front of a group of people, center of attention thing. But I put a couple chairs up next to me which my nieces sat in and then dear Darbi sat on the floor in front of me. Everyone ate and then about an hour into visiting Mel started the shower off.
It began light hearted with bingo, but then Mel began to talk. Now I really thought I would get through most if not all without crying, but the moment she began to talk and cry I was already trying to hold it together. She said some very sweet things first off and then handed out a cross with a ribbon for everyone to have to every time they saw it to remember us and our whole family through this. As she spoke and still crying is when I started to cry. Then Kenzie “Sissy” came up. For people who don’t know Kenzie is a total sweetheart and one of Savannas FAVORITE cousins and friends and one of the few people who can tear at my heart strings. Mel then explained that at Christmas time she had been buying all this baby stuff for Faith before we found out the terrible news, so when Mel told her what was going on she broke. While she sat in her room crying she wrote a book about Faith. In this book she also illustrated thoughout the book and gave it to me as she read it to everyone. It still amazes me, that girl.
Next on the list was dear Bev. At this point Dan luckily showed up and was able to sit with me through what she was about to say. She prayed for us and then read a note that was me talking to God and then God talking back to me. I will post that next time, but there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Then to make it harder for me she handed me a box and in that box was an antique baby ring. Seeing that ring in my finger just made my heart ache and she read a story to go along with the ring to.
Now it was a hard don’t get me wrong and opening those gifts was as difficult because there is an underlying fact that most of those gifts won’t be needed. But it was perfect. It was overwhelming the outpouring of love and support from friends and family and to have most of them in one room just made me feel at such peace.
It is now down to the wire with two days left at home before D day. I packed last night and was in such a fog trying to think of what I would even need to pack or want to pack or what options I needed to pack for. Once I was about half way done I began to fight the tears again and broke down. Now it is not that I don’t have faith in Faith but more that I am so scared and don’t know what is gonna happen or what it will turn out like. So how do you pack for the unknown? So I ended up with three different suitcases for every just in case I could think of. So one will be brought in when we check in on Thursday morning and the others will stay in the car in case the “in case happens”.
So we are to today. I am so tired I can barely think straight since my wonderful kids decided to wake me up at 3am…after I finally fell asleep around 1am. Mostly because I couldn’t turn my brain off to try to sleep.
So I ask for the prayers for my sanity in this most stressful and scary next few days where I have to get through the days and plan for the unexpected.
Till then
Andrea
As time goes on walking any amount of time feels like I’ve walked miles. So by the time I showed up there I was doing the best waddle I could do, or should I say I was trying not to do. Well as we waited, usually they only allow one person in with me so I was hoping Mel would be able to come in to since I asked Bev earlier last week if she wanted to. I had the same Sonographer as I have had the last 4 times so I asked her when she passed by us if it was ok for both my sisters could come in. She of course is a sweetheart and said yes and also agreed to let my Mom too! Seeing as though it was my sisters first time being able to come and see the ultrasound she explained everything as she went through the check up.
She started with her heart and heart beat which also started the tears. As I have said so many times you can never hear it enough. Next was the head size measurement and kidney size. The kidneys are now about 6 cm which isn’t a ton bigger but the good thing was, was that there was still a very good amount of blood flow through them. She then explained where each body part was to them and listened to cord blood flow, which all still looked really good. Of course she went on the fluid hunt and her stomach and bladder were both full and as we looked at fluid pockets she peed!! Which is a VERY good thing! We also found a pocket of 2cm of fluid too! And then to top it all off it was hard for her to get a good measurement because she kept on doing her practice breathing! Now as I mentioned last time there is a movement she does that is kind of like hiccups but I knew it wasn’t and asked her what it was…it is her breathing!!!!
So through this whole time I was in partial tears holding back from loosing it but everyone else had got to that point the moment they saw her heart beating. The thing with ultrasounds is that the amniotic fluid is the main factor in getting clear pictures. I asked her if I could get a profile picture of her for my sister Mona since I forgot to bring one in for her. She of course agreed and started down to her face. Now I didn’t expect much since is just harder to make things out but for some reason today it was as clear as could be. She first did the side profile, but she then turned her head towards the camera. This would be when I lost it. It was so vivid and clear, so much so that you could see her eyelids opening and closing, and then she started sucking her tongue with her mouth. It became so real all at once to me the features she had of us.
It is a miracle how they are knitted in your belly the way they are and how she responds to things. I walked out of there with a hope. Not so much that she would be ok but that she was ok and I had made a baby girl.
I called Dan to tell him everything we saw and found and of course was in tears the whole time, but the happiest tears I had shed in quite some time. I spent a couple more hours with my sisters before I headed home for the evening to relax.
Saturday was the shower for Faith which was one of those things I was looking forward to but also knew was gonna be hard. Of course as it goes I was trying to get ready and having contractions like crazy so a normal 20 minute shower and out the door turned into an hour. I showed up right on time to see so many people. Way more then I expected and it was so pretty. The not so good thing is that the had set it so I was sitting in front of everyone. Now there a few things I do not and I repeat do not like. One of those things being in front of a group of people, center of attention thing. But I put a couple chairs up next to me which my nieces sat in and then dear Darbi sat on the floor in front of me. Everyone ate and then about an hour into visiting Mel started the shower off.
It began light hearted with bingo, but then Mel began to talk. Now I really thought I would get through most if not all without crying, but the moment she began to talk and cry I was already trying to hold it together. She said some very sweet things first off and then handed out a cross with a ribbon for everyone to have to every time they saw it to remember us and our whole family through this. As she spoke and still crying is when I started to cry. Then Kenzie “Sissy” came up. For people who don’t know Kenzie is a total sweetheart and one of Savannas FAVORITE cousins and friends and one of the few people who can tear at my heart strings. Mel then explained that at Christmas time she had been buying all this baby stuff for Faith before we found out the terrible news, so when Mel told her what was going on she broke. While she sat in her room crying she wrote a book about Faith. In this book she also illustrated thoughout the book and gave it to me as she read it to everyone. It still amazes me, that girl.
Next on the list was dear Bev. At this point Dan luckily showed up and was able to sit with me through what she was about to say. She prayed for us and then read a note that was me talking to God and then God talking back to me. I will post that next time, but there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Then to make it harder for me she handed me a box and in that box was an antique baby ring. Seeing that ring in my finger just made my heart ache and she read a story to go along with the ring to.
Now it was a hard don’t get me wrong and opening those gifts was as difficult because there is an underlying fact that most of those gifts won’t be needed. But it was perfect. It was overwhelming the outpouring of love and support from friends and family and to have most of them in one room just made me feel at such peace.
It is now down to the wire with two days left at home before D day. I packed last night and was in such a fog trying to think of what I would even need to pack or want to pack or what options I needed to pack for. Once I was about half way done I began to fight the tears again and broke down. Now it is not that I don’t have faith in Faith but more that I am so scared and don’t know what is gonna happen or what it will turn out like. So how do you pack for the unknown? So I ended up with three different suitcases for every just in case I could think of. So one will be brought in when we check in on Thursday morning and the others will stay in the car in case the “in case happens”.
So we are to today. I am so tired I can barely think straight since my wonderful kids decided to wake me up at 3am…after I finally fell asleep around 1am. Mostly because I couldn’t turn my brain off to try to sleep.
So I ask for the prayers for my sanity in this most stressful and scary next few days where I have to get through the days and plan for the unexpected.
Till then
Andrea
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Waiting Game
I sit here tonight watching her move and kick and hiccup and do some move that I wish I could see to know what she was doing in there. Its the night before my regular weekly ultrasound. Well it is also the last one before our induction in 6 days! Yes 6 days! Now people keep making comments"it will soon be over". Yes it will but what will be over and what will begin? I am scared and would be lying if I said I wasn't. In some instances I'm excited to finally have an answer to all this doubt and worry. But then there is the other side because I will be going through the pain of labor not knowing what we will have to deal with. So yes there's a date and yes it is coming to quick in so many instances, except to the end of course the pain I'm in.
The feelings emotions and doctors visits seem to be compareable to this last weekend at the lake. Dan and I went up Saturday afternoon to one of my family friends cabin for the night. For of course the obvious reason, to get away. But to also have time to just be forced to relax and enjoy our last weekend alone before the chaos started. When we got there it started to storm, and the water and waves were rolling in, wind was howling and then it poured down rain. The next morning I woke up about 3am because I wasn't able to lay down in the bed so I went to try to sleep on the recliner. When I looked out the windows overlooking the lake it was dead calm, and the sun then came up to just pure glass water and not a cloud in the sky. As I sat out there on the deck in the silence of the morning I couldn't help but realize how much this weather was like what we have been going through. One day or moment it is a storm with waves and wind and rain, but then God gives us peace and the winds stop the waters calm, and the sun then shines.
We have been going through a storm since we found out about Faiths condition and will continue to, for all I know atleast 6 more days, but there is always the moments of peace mixed in there. As my wonderful Aunt said" fear doesn't come from God, so pray" and pray I do.Also that I am his child and in that it hurts him knowing I am in pain, but he has a reason this is all happening.
I do count my blessings everyday...which I have to when I am down just so I don't forget what I DO have, and that is the most amazing family, friends and support system that is here for me and I am so very lucky.
I do pray God let's Faith grow up and allows me to be her Mom here on earth and not just in heaven so that she can be touched and loved by those that love me.
This weekend is the shower for her. It is also one of those things I'm excited for, but know it is going to be hard. But with that I get to see and be around the ones I love.
Tomorrow as I said is my ultrasound which my sisters actually get to go with me too, and hopefully goes better then last weeks ultrasound appointment. Since that whole scare took so much out of me.
So as it stands the facts are...I am 1-2cm dialated, still 50% effaced (which I am still bleeding from her checking on Tuesday), Faith is still moving like crazy and passing her NST's with flying colors, her kidneys are still measuring the same size since we first found out about PKD which are 5.58cm, which is big, her chest is measuring small but only about 2weeks behind if not less, her heart is measuring right on track but with that it is taking up more room then her tiny chest has(which is one of the things that leads them to believe she won't have lung function), her fluid was basically nada, but she had fluid in her stomach and bladder. So as you can see, with every bad thing there is a good thing. Just like the storm there is a bit of sun that shows after. So fight my little girl fight. And we all love you so much!
Mom
The feelings emotions and doctors visits seem to be compareable to this last weekend at the lake. Dan and I went up Saturday afternoon to one of my family friends cabin for the night. For of course the obvious reason, to get away. But to also have time to just be forced to relax and enjoy our last weekend alone before the chaos started. When we got there it started to storm, and the water and waves were rolling in, wind was howling and then it poured down rain. The next morning I woke up about 3am because I wasn't able to lay down in the bed so I went to try to sleep on the recliner. When I looked out the windows overlooking the lake it was dead calm, and the sun then came up to just pure glass water and not a cloud in the sky. As I sat out there on the deck in the silence of the morning I couldn't help but realize how much this weather was like what we have been going through. One day or moment it is a storm with waves and wind and rain, but then God gives us peace and the winds stop the waters calm, and the sun then shines.
We have been going through a storm since we found out about Faiths condition and will continue to, for all I know atleast 6 more days, but there is always the moments of peace mixed in there. As my wonderful Aunt said" fear doesn't come from God, so pray" and pray I do.Also that I am his child and in that it hurts him knowing I am in pain, but he has a reason this is all happening.
I do count my blessings everyday...which I have to when I am down just so I don't forget what I DO have, and that is the most amazing family, friends and support system that is here for me and I am so very lucky.
I do pray God let's Faith grow up and allows me to be her Mom here on earth and not just in heaven so that she can be touched and loved by those that love me.
This weekend is the shower for her. It is also one of those things I'm excited for, but know it is going to be hard. But with that I get to see and be around the ones I love.
Tomorrow as I said is my ultrasound which my sisters actually get to go with me too, and hopefully goes better then last weeks ultrasound appointment. Since that whole scare took so much out of me.
So as it stands the facts are...I am 1-2cm dialated, still 50% effaced (which I am still bleeding from her checking on Tuesday), Faith is still moving like crazy and passing her NST's with flying colors, her kidneys are still measuring the same size since we first found out about PKD which are 5.58cm, which is big, her chest is measuring small but only about 2weeks behind if not less, her heart is measuring right on track but with that it is taking up more room then her tiny chest has(which is one of the things that leads them to believe she won't have lung function), her fluid was basically nada, but she had fluid in her stomach and bladder. So as you can see, with every bad thing there is a good thing. Just like the storm there is a bit of sun that shows after. So fight my little girl fight. And we all love you so much!
Mom
Friday, February 11, 2011
The Stress of Dr Visits
Well as I sit here trying so hard not to burst into tears or stress I decided to write to keep my mind off if it. My morning started so good. I got to go to the school to see Savanna get her Little Chief award. My little girl is such the lover of attention she was so very excited to be able to stand up there in front of the school and be cheered for. She definitely did not get that from me.
It soon changed moods though since I had to run straight to a doctors visit where I sit now. It was supposed to be just a regular ultrasound checkup. Not how it went though. She first looked for fluid pockets which now she couldn't find even one. Next she checked her lungs to see if she was practicing breathing which she wasn't. So she left the room to call the doctor. Now I don't know if it is just me but that scares me. When she came back in she informed me she only scored a 4 out of 10 so I need to be hooked up to the NST to monitor her. Now if she doesn't pass this(which I'm doing right now) then I have to go up to Tacoma where they may monitor, or take her! Now I'm really scared.
I of course asked why and it was a combo of things. First was the fluid loss(which this time she had fluid in her stomach and bladder but no pockets) then was the fact she wasn't practicing breathing which may have to do with her heart being bigger, she said may be because to compensate for kidney size, and that her kidneys may be pushing on her diaphram. So basically I am fearing for my baby girl!
So now I sit waiting to hear and trying to hold myself together. Oh Lord how I pray she is ok!
It soon changed moods though since I had to run straight to a doctors visit where I sit now. It was supposed to be just a regular ultrasound checkup. Not how it went though. She first looked for fluid pockets which now she couldn't find even one. Next she checked her lungs to see if she was practicing breathing which she wasn't. So she left the room to call the doctor. Now I don't know if it is just me but that scares me. When she came back in she informed me she only scored a 4 out of 10 so I need to be hooked up to the NST to monitor her. Now if she doesn't pass this(which I'm doing right now) then I have to go up to Tacoma where they may monitor, or take her! Now I'm really scared.
I of course asked why and it was a combo of things. First was the fluid loss(which this time she had fluid in her stomach and bladder but no pockets) then was the fact she wasn't practicing breathing which may have to do with her heart being bigger, she said may be because to compensate for kidney size, and that her kidneys may be pushing on her diaphram. So basically I am fearing for my baby girl!
So now I sit waiting to hear and trying to hold myself together. Oh Lord how I pray she is ok!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Reality is upon us
Where to start??? Well I must say Monday was hard for me. I have been blessed to have an amazing family and group of friends that have been there for me to check in and see how I'm doing. Its times like this you really see who is a true friend and realize myself how much they mean to me. Also along with that I found the PKD Foundation site on facebook right after Faith was dealt her sentence and with doing that I have made friends with mothers that have or have had kids with the same disease.
Now with that it has its good points and bad ones. One side I've been given hope when I thought my baby girl had non but then there is the other reality of this disease and babies lost. When I first started this hard unknown journey I met one mom from the UK that was a week or so behind me and having a baby girl too. She found me and we talked pretty much every day. Supporting each other and just being there. Then a mom contacted me after I started my blog that was again about a week or two behind me having a baby girl, she had gestational diabetes and was given no hope either for her baby and also had never heard of PKD. We all conversed about our appointments, how we were feeling, what the doctors were saying, and our fears. Well the mom from Pennsylvania went into preterm labor(which is a common and scary side effect of low fluid) and lost her baby girl shortly after she was born. Now was a scared then? Oh yes! But again getting support from PKD moms not to compare or give up hope. So I prayed and prayed and tried so very hard not to worry and know, no matter what I have her now and God has a plan for her. Well on Superbowl Sunday I got a message that the other mom which was from the UK. She had went into the hospital cause her babe wasn't moving and was born by emergency c-section. So I was instantly nervous first due to the fact I was already having contractions now for a few days and knew she needed to stay in me for a better chance. Then I got and update that she pee'd which is a big thing for babies born with PKD cause it shows kidney function. So I started to get hopeful but still scared about going early. Well then Monday came and her baby had passed away. I felt as though I got punched in the gut. I know she is not me but I was so happy for her and gave me a bigger sense of hope that my sweetums would be ok. That day I tried all day to keep my head up and for a while I had been doing pretty good but the overwhelming feeling of defeat kept coming over me. Lucky for me it was my moms birthday and planned on making her dinner so it gave me something to do and look forward to. So for a brief moment I was a little better but still felt so alone even with all the people in the room.
Tuesday then was here and Dan took the day off to come with me since we were supposed to be setting the induction date. My mom came and met us there and of course the first thing on the regimine was the NST. This is my favorite I have to say. I also wanted to see how she was fairing to the contractions I have been having for a week now. Well she hooked me all up and there she was! She started at 126bpm and once she was awake she was awake! Her heart rate then jumped to 167 after the contraction I was having stopped. The lil stinker does NOT like contractions but the best thing though was hearing that they didn't make her heart rate fall...a big plus. As I sat there the lady kept seeing my contractions and saying..."you look so uncomfortable". Really? Made me almost laugh cause you stick a basketball inside your stomach, a ball in your pelvis and look at the contractions take my breathe away and its kind of a given.
After the passing with flying colors, true to her form we went into an exam room to set our induction date, take a strep test, and to check if I was dialated. The thing is, is when she asked when we wanted to do it I wanted to say never, but not an option. Dan wanted the 24th since we could do any date between the 22nd and March 2nd and Jordan was born on June 24th. I kind of wanted to do it later but know the rate I'm going I will be happy to make it till then. That means two weeks! That means 14 days! That means facing the reality no matter what the outcome.
Next was checking and doing the tests. Not my favorite! The strep test didn't hurt just was uncomfortable,but the exam! OW! She then informed me I was dialted to a 1 and 50% effaced which I honestly wasn't surprised.
After that we went and took my mom to get her feet done. Was so nice getting my feet and legs rubbed! We decided to run into Marshals and found some cute baby socks, and a few other things. Well the thing with being in this position of not knowing if she will survive is also planning on if she doesn't survive. So it is habit now to ask return policy, but in doing that I upset Dan and was told never to ask that again. How can I not? I know there are miracles and she may be ok but the reality is, is she may not and I need to plan for that too. Its a hard reality to face day in and day out but I also have Faith now so either way the reality is it could go either way.
Since we haven't had much time alone together we went and had lunch and ran a couple errands before having to get back home. I have to say that I was dieing by the time we were done but it was nice to feel like a couple again. I honestly don't know what started it but we began talking about if she doesn't make it. He said if she doesn't and it does end up being PKD that he couldn't do the whole trying to get pregnant knowing what we would be facing. In a way I know how he felt but for the first time it hit me that this may be my last pregnancy and this is what I will have to remember it by. At that point the tears came and came. Its a hard thing faith in this situation but that is what faith is. Is having faith when its the hardest. Its not the faith she will fine but that there is a plan in all of it and having faith that he knows what is best.
Well last night was hard. I was in so much pain and then I kept loosing it. When it hits me it really hits me. But the best part of my blubbering break down was me and Dan finally talked. I just feel like we are living two seperate lives and the only common thread is the pain we are going through. So for the first time in a while we broke down and were honest instead of just holding all the pain and hurt inside, not concerned how it would effect one another.
So it is was it is now. The count down to the day that we now know. So please hold us in your thoughts and prayers because these next couple weeks are going to be very trying for us and our family.
Now with that it has its good points and bad ones. One side I've been given hope when I thought my baby girl had non but then there is the other reality of this disease and babies lost. When I first started this hard unknown journey I met one mom from the UK that was a week or so behind me and having a baby girl too. She found me and we talked pretty much every day. Supporting each other and just being there. Then a mom contacted me after I started my blog that was again about a week or two behind me having a baby girl, she had gestational diabetes and was given no hope either for her baby and also had never heard of PKD. We all conversed about our appointments, how we were feeling, what the doctors were saying, and our fears. Well the mom from Pennsylvania went into preterm labor(which is a common and scary side effect of low fluid) and lost her baby girl shortly after she was born. Now was a scared then? Oh yes! But again getting support from PKD moms not to compare or give up hope. So I prayed and prayed and tried so very hard not to worry and know, no matter what I have her now and God has a plan for her. Well on Superbowl Sunday I got a message that the other mom which was from the UK. She had went into the hospital cause her babe wasn't moving and was born by emergency c-section. So I was instantly nervous first due to the fact I was already having contractions now for a few days and knew she needed to stay in me for a better chance. Then I got and update that she pee'd which is a big thing for babies born with PKD cause it shows kidney function. So I started to get hopeful but still scared about going early. Well then Monday came and her baby had passed away. I felt as though I got punched in the gut. I know she is not me but I was so happy for her and gave me a bigger sense of hope that my sweetums would be ok. That day I tried all day to keep my head up and for a while I had been doing pretty good but the overwhelming feeling of defeat kept coming over me. Lucky for me it was my moms birthday and planned on making her dinner so it gave me something to do and look forward to. So for a brief moment I was a little better but still felt so alone even with all the people in the room.
Tuesday then was here and Dan took the day off to come with me since we were supposed to be setting the induction date. My mom came and met us there and of course the first thing on the regimine was the NST. This is my favorite I have to say. I also wanted to see how she was fairing to the contractions I have been having for a week now. Well she hooked me all up and there she was! She started at 126bpm and once she was awake she was awake! Her heart rate then jumped to 167 after the contraction I was having stopped. The lil stinker does NOT like contractions but the best thing though was hearing that they didn't make her heart rate fall...a big plus. As I sat there the lady kept seeing my contractions and saying..."you look so uncomfortable". Really? Made me almost laugh cause you stick a basketball inside your stomach, a ball in your pelvis and look at the contractions take my breathe away and its kind of a given.
After the passing with flying colors, true to her form we went into an exam room to set our induction date, take a strep test, and to check if I was dialated. The thing is, is when she asked when we wanted to do it I wanted to say never, but not an option. Dan wanted the 24th since we could do any date between the 22nd and March 2nd and Jordan was born on June 24th. I kind of wanted to do it later but know the rate I'm going I will be happy to make it till then. That means two weeks! That means 14 days! That means facing the reality no matter what the outcome.
Next was checking and doing the tests. Not my favorite! The strep test didn't hurt just was uncomfortable,but the exam! OW! She then informed me I was dialted to a 1 and 50% effaced which I honestly wasn't surprised.
After that we went and took my mom to get her feet done. Was so nice getting my feet and legs rubbed! We decided to run into Marshals and found some cute baby socks, and a few other things. Well the thing with being in this position of not knowing if she will survive is also planning on if she doesn't survive. So it is habit now to ask return policy, but in doing that I upset Dan and was told never to ask that again. How can I not? I know there are miracles and she may be ok but the reality is, is she may not and I need to plan for that too. Its a hard reality to face day in and day out but I also have Faith now so either way the reality is it could go either way.
Since we haven't had much time alone together we went and had lunch and ran a couple errands before having to get back home. I have to say that I was dieing by the time we were done but it was nice to feel like a couple again. I honestly don't know what started it but we began talking about if she doesn't make it. He said if she doesn't and it does end up being PKD that he couldn't do the whole trying to get pregnant knowing what we would be facing. In a way I know how he felt but for the first time it hit me that this may be my last pregnancy and this is what I will have to remember it by. At that point the tears came and came. Its a hard thing faith in this situation but that is what faith is. Is having faith when its the hardest. Its not the faith she will fine but that there is a plan in all of it and having faith that he knows what is best.
Well last night was hard. I was in so much pain and then I kept loosing it. When it hits me it really hits me. But the best part of my blubbering break down was me and Dan finally talked. I just feel like we are living two seperate lives and the only common thread is the pain we are going through. So for the first time in a while we broke down and were honest instead of just holding all the pain and hurt inside, not concerned how it would effect one another.
So it is was it is now. The count down to the day that we now know. So please hold us in your thoughts and prayers because these next couple weeks are going to be very trying for us and our family.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Oh the Joys of Contractions
Well I had my second of my bi-weekly appointments on Friday. All week I've been having the same symptoms, contractions every 15-20 minutes and not feeling good. So I was anxious to get in and see how she was doing since I knew I wasn't doing so hot. The appointment was just an ultrasound which they will be doing every week to check her all out. Dr. Drennan wasn't going to be there but watching it live from the hospital in Tacoma in case she sees something that didn't look right.
My mom came with me since its been to much for Dan to take two or more days off a week especially not knowing what bills we will have and bills that are just the normal day to day. When we walked on back I laid on the table and started having a contraction, and had another before she was done to. Gotta say laying on your back, contracting and having someone probing your belly really really does not feel good.
But on with the appointment outcome. She first started by head measurement which was measuring right on target. Next was fluid search, which she found one pocket of 1.4cm and an empty bladder and stomach. Now in all reality I know the week befores ultrasound she had the same amount but her bladder was almost full. So I went in, in hopes that her fluid would be up or atleast the same. But not the case:( next she did measuremnts to see how big she was since they hadn't measured her since the 28 week "normal" ultrasound. So my lil girl weighs 4 lbs 12ozs which is just perfect just crazy that in three weeks she will be so small. Next was all the stuff being a mom in the position you can't see enough of. First was her heart which she zoomed in so much so I could see the ventricles opening and closing. Then being able to hear it beat. Oh the way my heart warms hearing it. It feels like the first time every time. Next she looked at her internal organs, of course her kidneys. Then found her cord to rate the beats and true to her form she wouldn't sit still to get it and when she finally did she wouldn't stop playing with it.
So once she was all done since I was contracting still and the fluid was lower she called up to the hospital to see what they wanted me to do. I was basically told I was or may be going into preterm labor, so...go lay down, monitor movement and time of contractions and if anything changes we need to go directly to Tacoma. Yeah! Lay down and monitor. Ok again I can't sit still well and with sitting still your head goes crazy especially when your told to make sure she is ok. No worry, no worry at all.
So my wonderful mum took me to Target and I got some things I needed for my hospital bag. Then to lunch with mom and pops and home to sit down.
Yesterday Jordan had districts so it was up and at em early. Again NOT a morning person,but especially when I can't sleep due to being uncomfortable and contractions. Jordan did so good but as time went on my little girl started getting really sick. It is crazy how when you are a mom and in pain, if your child starts hurting you forget about how you feel. Well I did forget until I got her to bed and laid down and OW!
So here I am today watching the Packers kick some booty with my hubby, bro, and dad and trying not to stress about the contractions and that both of the women that were having baby girls with the same disease have both now delivered thiers. Now trying not compare but they were both due after me, so as of right now I'm trying not to worry. So please my baby Faith stay in me and cook some more!
Till the next time.
My mom came with me since its been to much for Dan to take two or more days off a week especially not knowing what bills we will have and bills that are just the normal day to day. When we walked on back I laid on the table and started having a contraction, and had another before she was done to. Gotta say laying on your back, contracting and having someone probing your belly really really does not feel good.
But on with the appointment outcome. She first started by head measurement which was measuring right on target. Next was fluid search, which she found one pocket of 1.4cm and an empty bladder and stomach. Now in all reality I know the week befores ultrasound she had the same amount but her bladder was almost full. So I went in, in hopes that her fluid would be up or atleast the same. But not the case:( next she did measuremnts to see how big she was since they hadn't measured her since the 28 week "normal" ultrasound. So my lil girl weighs 4 lbs 12ozs which is just perfect just crazy that in three weeks she will be so small. Next was all the stuff being a mom in the position you can't see enough of. First was her heart which she zoomed in so much so I could see the ventricles opening and closing. Then being able to hear it beat. Oh the way my heart warms hearing it. It feels like the first time every time. Next she looked at her internal organs, of course her kidneys. Then found her cord to rate the beats and true to her form she wouldn't sit still to get it and when she finally did she wouldn't stop playing with it.
So once she was all done since I was contracting still and the fluid was lower she called up to the hospital to see what they wanted me to do. I was basically told I was or may be going into preterm labor, so...go lay down, monitor movement and time of contractions and if anything changes we need to go directly to Tacoma. Yeah! Lay down and monitor. Ok again I can't sit still well and with sitting still your head goes crazy especially when your told to make sure she is ok. No worry, no worry at all.
So my wonderful mum took me to Target and I got some things I needed for my hospital bag. Then to lunch with mom and pops and home to sit down.
Yesterday Jordan had districts so it was up and at em early. Again NOT a morning person,but especially when I can't sleep due to being uncomfortable and contractions. Jordan did so good but as time went on my little girl started getting really sick. It is crazy how when you are a mom and in pain, if your child starts hurting you forget about how you feel. Well I did forget until I got her to bed and laid down and OW!
So here I am today watching the Packers kick some booty with my hubby, bro, and dad and trying not to stress about the contractions and that both of the women that were having baby girls with the same disease have both now delivered thiers. Now trying not compare but they were both due after me, so as of right now I'm trying not to worry. So please my baby Faith stay in me and cook some more!
Till the next time.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Weekly Appointments Update
Well Tuesday marked the first week of full transfered care to Mary Bridge and no more visits to my regular OB. Was sad but also know it was needed. The thing with going to this office is not that they are not good at what they do, because they are. It is like I said before I just feel like another patient and every time we have went in to an appointment with them(which has been back and forth since we found the bad news out)we leave feeling like we got punched in the gut.
So since I had an appointment with the nephrologist for the first time too that day Dan took the day off to come with me. First on the list was the NST. Which the nurse brought us back and started to set me all up in my cushy chair, which I have to say is better then my doctors office where I just had to lay on my side. The thing was for some reason today was the first day they acted like I was a person and talked to me and I felt way more cared for. When she first started she was teaching a new nurse how to hook me up so the poking took a while longer because she was showing her where Faiths butt, feet and back were. Which you can feel every bone on her. When they finally got all the monitors on they turned the volume up and there she was! I can't explain enough the feeling I get just hearing her heart beat. I remembered to record it on my phone this time so I could have it forever. And true to my baby girl she was active as always, and had double the amount of movements and heart acceleration as they want. So passing with flying colors.
Next was the Doctor consult where she answers all my lists of questions and tells me whatever news she has had. I don't really know what it has been every other time but the doctor too for the first time seemed warm and encouraging. I can only think that my prayers about having to leave South Sound Womens Center was gonna be ok were answered. She asked how I have been doing and since I haven't wrote in a while, not the best. Ever since this last Saturday I have just not felt good. My stomach has been bothering me, appetite has been non existent, been off and on dizzy, blood sugars have been ALL over the place, and I just haven't felt right. Well as she said its a combo of a few things, of course. Stress(which is of course a part of my life now), the fact that I may be getting a virus which in most prego women you don't get the same symptoms as everyone else, or I could be showing signs of preterm labor!!! Which freaked me out. The thing is, is if I start to go into labor they will not try to stop it.
SO after that nice conversation we began to talk about the induction date and certain questions I had for her on how it would go. I don't know if it is just me but I ask A LOT of questions, but I also want to know what I can since a lot is out of my hands. So the plan is to induce me in between February 23rd and March 2nd. In between now and then she will be checking me to see how my cervix is doing and most likely I will come in EARLY Monday the 28th and start induction. Otherwise if my cervix is doing nothing before then they will have me come in on Sunday night, give me drug to ripen my cervix and then start the Petocin the next morning. They will not break my water till they have to and at that point if she is still doing good they CAN put a catheter in for fluid to cushion her. But as she said to us she may do ok without having fluid pumped in and doesn't want to do anything that doesn't have to be done. This is all in the hopes that each bi-weekly visit she is doing good and if she handles labor ok. If not a c-section may have to be done...which I so do not want.
SO i left feeling not as low as I usually have been walking out of there. Although I was dizzy and about fell over. From there we headed to Tacoma General to meet with the Nephrologist. We of course got told the wrong time so had to wait, but during our wait our pallative care nurse came and brought us back to talk to us and go over our care and birth plan. I have to say she is one of the most personable and sweetest person I have met yet on this journey. She told us she has talked to all the doctors and nurses and they all know our situation and know who we are, not by face of course, but our story. So if by any chance we have to come into the hospital before the scheduled induction they will know who we are and know what we want to happen in cases that we have a control in. Then we talked about wrestling since her son is about the same age as Jordan and districts are this weekend. Which could have gone on forever had the nurse not came and got us. She brought us into one of the room where the kidney patients go and we waited for the doctor.
When she came in the room it was the first time I had seen her so she wasn't what I expected. Which I don't think any of the doctors I've spoke with on the phone have been. She was young but as sweet in person as she was on the phone. SO she went over what we would expect short term and long term in best and worse case scenario. But all comes down to how she does when she is born. She could have a feeding tube, dialysis tube, possible liver problems, diet restrictions, of course a bunch of medicine and possible transplant which they wouldn't be able to do till she is 1 or 2 since they have to put an adult kidney in her. SO with that it is all a wait and see. So WAIT AND SEE, HOPE AND SEE, PRAY AND SEE. My moto I guess for the next who knows how long.
With all of this going on to it has been a strain on me and Dan since he is working over time alot and the more time that goes by the more in pain I am, which doctor said is normal. He is so positive, and she is gonna be fine attitude, where I am hoping she will be ok and praying she will, but only God knows her plan so for me I have her now and can't say she will be fine. So you can see the disconnect between us. It is hard because I can't really voice my concerns and fears because it just upsets him because I'm not being positive and I don't want to bring him down. So please pray for us because some how we need to be strong together instead of separate in this.
So a note to my baby girl. I love you so much! You have been kicking and hurting me like crazy today and the whole time I have been writing this, maybe to tell me not to worry. But hopefully as you grow up you will see that Mom is a worrier. I would gladly give my life to let you have yours and that's what pains me the most. Because I don't want you to feel pain and hurt like they say you may feel when all I want to do is protect you. SO I continue to pray for you, sing to you, rub your tiny little body, and dream of the days I hope to have with you. Till then my sweet baby girl.
Love Mom
So since I had an appointment with the nephrologist for the first time too that day Dan took the day off to come with me. First on the list was the NST. Which the nurse brought us back and started to set me all up in my cushy chair, which I have to say is better then my doctors office where I just had to lay on my side. The thing was for some reason today was the first day they acted like I was a person and talked to me and I felt way more cared for. When she first started she was teaching a new nurse how to hook me up so the poking took a while longer because she was showing her where Faiths butt, feet and back were. Which you can feel every bone on her. When they finally got all the monitors on they turned the volume up and there she was! I can't explain enough the feeling I get just hearing her heart beat. I remembered to record it on my phone this time so I could have it forever. And true to my baby girl she was active as always, and had double the amount of movements and heart acceleration as they want. So passing with flying colors.
Next was the Doctor consult where she answers all my lists of questions and tells me whatever news she has had. I don't really know what it has been every other time but the doctor too for the first time seemed warm and encouraging. I can only think that my prayers about having to leave South Sound Womens Center was gonna be ok were answered. She asked how I have been doing and since I haven't wrote in a while, not the best. Ever since this last Saturday I have just not felt good. My stomach has been bothering me, appetite has been non existent, been off and on dizzy, blood sugars have been ALL over the place, and I just haven't felt right. Well as she said its a combo of a few things, of course. Stress(which is of course a part of my life now), the fact that I may be getting a virus which in most prego women you don't get the same symptoms as everyone else, or I could be showing signs of preterm labor!!! Which freaked me out. The thing is, is if I start to go into labor they will not try to stop it.
SO after that nice conversation we began to talk about the induction date and certain questions I had for her on how it would go. I don't know if it is just me but I ask A LOT of questions, but I also want to know what I can since a lot is out of my hands. So the plan is to induce me in between February 23rd and March 2nd. In between now and then she will be checking me to see how my cervix is doing and most likely I will come in EARLY Monday the 28th and start induction. Otherwise if my cervix is doing nothing before then they will have me come in on Sunday night, give me drug to ripen my cervix and then start the Petocin the next morning. They will not break my water till they have to and at that point if she is still doing good they CAN put a catheter in for fluid to cushion her. But as she said to us she may do ok without having fluid pumped in and doesn't want to do anything that doesn't have to be done. This is all in the hopes that each bi-weekly visit she is doing good and if she handles labor ok. If not a c-section may have to be done...which I so do not want.
SO i left feeling not as low as I usually have been walking out of there. Although I was dizzy and about fell over. From there we headed to Tacoma General to meet with the Nephrologist. We of course got told the wrong time so had to wait, but during our wait our pallative care nurse came and brought us back to talk to us and go over our care and birth plan. I have to say she is one of the most personable and sweetest person I have met yet on this journey. She told us she has talked to all the doctors and nurses and they all know our situation and know who we are, not by face of course, but our story. So if by any chance we have to come into the hospital before the scheduled induction they will know who we are and know what we want to happen in cases that we have a control in. Then we talked about wrestling since her son is about the same age as Jordan and districts are this weekend. Which could have gone on forever had the nurse not came and got us. She brought us into one of the room where the kidney patients go and we waited for the doctor.
When she came in the room it was the first time I had seen her so she wasn't what I expected. Which I don't think any of the doctors I've spoke with on the phone have been. She was young but as sweet in person as she was on the phone. SO she went over what we would expect short term and long term in best and worse case scenario. But all comes down to how she does when she is born. She could have a feeding tube, dialysis tube, possible liver problems, diet restrictions, of course a bunch of medicine and possible transplant which they wouldn't be able to do till she is 1 or 2 since they have to put an adult kidney in her. SO with that it is all a wait and see. So WAIT AND SEE, HOPE AND SEE, PRAY AND SEE. My moto I guess for the next who knows how long.
With all of this going on to it has been a strain on me and Dan since he is working over time alot and the more time that goes by the more in pain I am, which doctor said is normal. He is so positive, and she is gonna be fine attitude, where I am hoping she will be ok and praying she will, but only God knows her plan so for me I have her now and can't say she will be fine. So you can see the disconnect between us. It is hard because I can't really voice my concerns and fears because it just upsets him because I'm not being positive and I don't want to bring him down. So please pray for us because some how we need to be strong together instead of separate in this.
So a note to my baby girl. I love you so much! You have been kicking and hurting me like crazy today and the whole time I have been writing this, maybe to tell me not to worry. But hopefully as you grow up you will see that Mom is a worrier. I would gladly give my life to let you have yours and that's what pains me the most. Because I don't want you to feel pain and hurt like they say you may feel when all I want to do is protect you. SO I continue to pray for you, sing to you, rub your tiny little body, and dream of the days I hope to have with you. Till then my sweet baby girl.
Love Mom
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