Where to start??? Well I must say Monday was hard for me. I have been blessed to have an amazing family and group of friends that have been there for me to check in and see how I'm doing. Its times like this you really see who is a true friend and realize myself how much they mean to me. Also along with that I found the PKD Foundation site on facebook right after Faith was dealt her sentence and with doing that I have made friends with mothers that have or have had kids with the same disease.
Now with that it has its good points and bad ones. One side I've been given hope when I thought my baby girl had non but then there is the other reality of this disease and babies lost. When I first started this hard unknown journey I met one mom from the UK that was a week or so behind me and having a baby girl too. She found me and we talked pretty much every day. Supporting each other and just being there. Then a mom contacted me after I started my blog that was again about a week or two behind me having a baby girl, she had gestational diabetes and was given no hope either for her baby and also had never heard of PKD. We all conversed about our appointments, how we were feeling, what the doctors were saying, and our fears. Well the mom from Pennsylvania went into preterm labor(which is a common and scary side effect of low fluid) and lost her baby girl shortly after she was born. Now was a scared then? Oh yes! But again getting support from PKD moms not to compare or give up hope. So I prayed and prayed and tried so very hard not to worry and know, no matter what I have her now and God has a plan for her. Well on Superbowl Sunday I got a message that the other mom which was from the UK. She had went into the hospital cause her babe wasn't moving and was born by emergency c-section. So I was instantly nervous first due to the fact I was already having contractions now for a few days and knew she needed to stay in me for a better chance. Then I got and update that she pee'd which is a big thing for babies born with PKD cause it shows kidney function. So I started to get hopeful but still scared about going early. Well then Monday came and her baby had passed away. I felt as though I got punched in the gut. I know she is not me but I was so happy for her and gave me a bigger sense of hope that my sweetums would be ok. That day I tried all day to keep my head up and for a while I had been doing pretty good but the overwhelming feeling of defeat kept coming over me. Lucky for me it was my moms birthday and planned on making her dinner so it gave me something to do and look forward to. So for a brief moment I was a little better but still felt so alone even with all the people in the room.
Tuesday then was here and Dan took the day off to come with me since we were supposed to be setting the induction date. My mom came and met us there and of course the first thing on the regimine was the NST. This is my favorite I have to say. I also wanted to see how she was fairing to the contractions I have been having for a week now. Well she hooked me all up and there she was! She started at 126bpm and once she was awake she was awake! Her heart rate then jumped to 167 after the contraction I was having stopped. The lil stinker does NOT like contractions but the best thing though was hearing that they didn't make her heart rate fall...a big plus. As I sat there the lady kept seeing my contractions and saying..."you look so uncomfortable". Really? Made me almost laugh cause you stick a basketball inside your stomach, a ball in your pelvis and look at the contractions take my breathe away and its kind of a given.
After the passing with flying colors, true to her form we went into an exam room to set our induction date, take a strep test, and to check if I was dialated. The thing is, is when she asked when we wanted to do it I wanted to say never, but not an option. Dan wanted the 24th since we could do any date between the 22nd and March 2nd and Jordan was born on June 24th. I kind of wanted to do it later but know the rate I'm going I will be happy to make it till then. That means two weeks! That means 14 days! That means facing the reality no matter what the outcome.
Next was checking and doing the tests. Not my favorite! The strep test didn't hurt just was uncomfortable,but the exam! OW! She then informed me I was dialted to a 1 and 50% effaced which I honestly wasn't surprised.
After that we went and took my mom to get her feet done. Was so nice getting my feet and legs rubbed! We decided to run into Marshals and found some cute baby socks, and a few other things. Well the thing with being in this position of not knowing if she will survive is also planning on if she doesn't survive. So it is habit now to ask return policy, but in doing that I upset Dan and was told never to ask that again. How can I not? I know there are miracles and she may be ok but the reality is, is she may not and I need to plan for that too. Its a hard reality to face day in and day out but I also have Faith now so either way the reality is it could go either way.
Since we haven't had much time alone together we went and had lunch and ran a couple errands before having to get back home. I have to say that I was dieing by the time we were done but it was nice to feel like a couple again. I honestly don't know what started it but we began talking about if she doesn't make it. He said if she doesn't and it does end up being PKD that he couldn't do the whole trying to get pregnant knowing what we would be facing. In a way I know how he felt but for the first time it hit me that this may be my last pregnancy and this is what I will have to remember it by. At that point the tears came and came. Its a hard thing faith in this situation but that is what faith is. Is having faith when its the hardest. Its not the faith she will fine but that there is a plan in all of it and having faith that he knows what is best.
Well last night was hard. I was in so much pain and then I kept loosing it. When it hits me it really hits me. But the best part of my blubbering break down was me and Dan finally talked. I just feel like we are living two seperate lives and the only common thread is the pain we are going through. So for the first time in a while we broke down and were honest instead of just holding all the pain and hurt inside, not concerned how it would effect one another.
So it is was it is now. The count down to the day that we now know. So please hold us in your thoughts and prayers because these next couple weeks are going to be very trying for us and our family.
No comments:
Post a Comment