As I lay here in the quiet listening to the fan blow and Dan sleep I am filled with so many emotions. I am missing my kids even though I know I will see them in the morning and after school, but then its goodbye and off to our awaited hospital bed. They will be coming up to see me but as the moment draws closer I am clinging to them so protective of them and so scared at the same time. I'm also scared, and nervous more then I ever have in my whole life. I know where I'm going and what will happen once I check in, but then its all a extreme mystery. Will I begin labor right away? Will it last for day(better not!)? How painful will it be? Will I be able to keep my emotions together to focus on the task at hand? But most of all and I mean most, cause they could do anything to me and I would worry a bit but the biggest thing is what my baby girl will be like and how hard will she have to fight to survive when she takes those first breathes? Will she be able to absorb that air that all of us just breathe not realizing it is something she may not be able to absord and take in? Will her kidneys work enough to let her live a somewhat normal life, or will they fail her? Oh the questions and the fears you have going through this, but most of all knowing and having to count the hours down till that moment.
Today marked the day of our very last appointment. My amazing sister and Kenzie came by after I dropped the kids off to school to come help pack up their clothes for the time I'm gone and Tristans gecko. Mel being Mel she also cleaned things up for me! Dan took the next two days off before the induction date to be here with me since I'm trying hard to stay together but still failing from time to time. Which as we get closer it seems to happen a lot more on a regular basis. So him, my wonderful Mom, and amazing Dad came to the appointment with me. It is becoming increasingly harder to walk because of the pressure so they got quite a kick out of my MAJOR waddle back to the exam room.
Of course she passed the NST like always. The doctor then came in and went over the run through of what I may expect, and what I needed to know. Then a hard contraction hit and she decided to push on my stomach. Now I don't know why she did but I seriously almost out of reflex smacked her. It hurt soooo bad! She then sent me to the other exam room to check if Thursday or tomorrow night would be the start of all the junk they need to do, and my wonderful luck I am supposed to call at 7 (which I wanted late so I could be with my kids as close to bed as possible), and then head up to start cervix meds and they will give me something to sleep! Now there is a chance that this medicine will start me into labor, but if not Thursday AM they will start the meds to start the labor.
So in otherwords I'm freaked out! But also excited the medicine may work and I will actiually get some sleep.
From there we all went to lunch and Dan insisted we go get a carseat and stroller. Now I didn't want to and wanted to wait. But there is no telling him no if he has his mind set. So we went up and picked one up.
So that brings me basically to now. My eyes burning from tears that I've shed tonight and from being so wore out and tired. My hips and back and legs hurting from the pressure from her. And my mind unable to shut off trying to think of all the things I need to do before I go and what I will have to deal with in the next 2 days.
I luckily have an amazing group of family and friends but they can't take away the ache in my heart that I don't know what is going to happen to my baby Faith. So I will sit and pray the same prayers over and over in hopes that He will put my mind and body at ease enough to rest up for my marathon ahead.
So until then...with love, hope, and of course Faith
No comments:
Post a Comment